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Admiral Vanilla

by Scott Gesser

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Let Us Pray 04:21
Some people like to pray to God Some people tend to worship Allah Still others only look to Buddha And that's fine for them But I've spent my days not really sure Of the deity that I could search for Until I came across a clothing store And that bucked the trend Now all of a sudden, his power is everywhere I see it so clearly, though it looks like there's nothing there And every time I'm given the chance I have to revere the inventor of yoga pants Some people go to Sunday Mass Personally, I'd rather worship that ass I might even take a Zumba class just to get a peek And to the heavens I pray “I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you walk away Now remember what those ancient sermons say And turn the other cheek” Whenever I spot them, those church bells begin to chime The ladies that wear them don't even do yoga half the time I'd offer up my greatest rain dance To bask in the glory of the inventor of yoga pants And now I spot them everywhere that I go You might be working on your downward dog But all I see is camel toe They look so damn comfortable It's like you ain't wearing nothing at all And I would wear them too But no one's looking to view The exact outline of my cock and my balls, now The texts of our elders might rattle off random prose But they don't have a garment made for sitting in lotus pose Or walking around campus, or even picking up eggs Moses parted the Red Sea, but I'd settle for your legs, now Whoever came up with this, I'm sure I don't know him But if it came down to it, I'd probably blow him Every day's a new religious experience Thanks to my supernatural muse, the inventor of yoga pants The inventor of yoga pants But seriously, I can see your vagina
Vanilla 06:04
I started seeing you and soon we fell in love Your charm and beauty must been sent from above There's only one small problem that I can think of When it comes to fucking, you're vanilla It takes a little more than sex to get me hot It's not enough to simply thrust into your twat And I don't mean a hand job in a Walgreen's parking lot That's still my idea of vanilla There's nothing more that I want than to be restrained Please flog my ass with whips and hold me down with chains The feel of leather everywhere drives me insane You say you understand, and now that I've complained I'll be sorry Then one day you came home with a paddle for my butt In hopes that using it would eliminate our rut You spanked me furiously and told me I'm a slut But you're still barely past vanilla So then you showed up with one of those huge dildos And said that if I'm good you'll show me where it goes It's too bad I already own a bunch of those Nice try there, Admiral Vanilla You've made it clear your goal in bed is just to wreck me To Indian burns and purple-nurples you'll subject me You'll gag me with a spoon and sometimes you'll hip-check me Then take a branding iron and apply it directly to my nuts But I still think you're vanilla You say it's over and you don't love me anymore You're a human being, not some trashy little whore And as you pack your bags and head for my front door Suddenly I stop you and I quietly implore Is your sister still seeing that neurosurgeon? The next thing that I know, I wake up in a bed With seven broken ribs and a contusion in my head The doctor tells me that I'm lucky I'm not dead And suddenly it hits me that I really should have said The sister thing earlier Because that was not vanilla No, that was not vanilla And I'm one lucky fella Because that was not vanilla
Winnie the Pooh's a stuffed bear with dreadful eating habits He'll scarf down all his honey Then he'll scarf down more at Rabbit's He's starting to burst at the seams as he does a little dance I guess he eats to compensate for never wearing pants Piglet's got delusions that leave him with a nervous tic His many frightening visions have left him schizophrenic He's developed a stuh-stuh-stutter And he's even scared of snoring I'm surprised that any ghosts would haunt someone so boring Rabbit's got some issues; he's an angry little fellow He's complained to the point That his fur's turned greenish-yellow He'll start yelling at his friends at the slightest mishap And I think that he's pissed Because his carrots taste like crap Things aren't looking good in the Hundred Acre Wood These characters will never change I don't think that they could Tigger's always moving and he lives like a stampede He's bouncin' around day in and day out He's probably on speed He gets overexcited and he needs self-discipline The only resolution is to put him on Ritalin Gopher ain't no picnic either; I'm quite sure of that He digs around incessantly and rarely stops to chat His workaholic tendencies he never will relent The only other problem is his speech impediment There's some major depression That Eeyore has been packing He repeatedly builds a house; it always ends up lacking He often sighs and sits alone in bug-infested grass I suppose I'd be unhappy too with a pin stuck in my ass Kanga and her offspring, Roo, have got it pretty bad They never really go into what happened to Roo's dad The family's dysfunctional, and that's just mildly thinking 'Cause I've also heard that Kanga's Getting into heavy drinking Owl's the only one of them who's literally flighty Just 'cause he lives in a tree, he acts all high and mighty He won't even show up for the average episode And who knows? Maybe one day he'll eat some rice and explode Christopher Robin should be placed in a mental hospital He thinks he's got the makings of a young Dr. Doolittle He roams around the forest crying out like a big baby But one day he'll be coming home to find out he's got rabies One more time Their living off-key might not satisfy you and me But I guess at least they're living somewhat in reality
Resting Face 02:50
She's a really nice girl Has a great sense of humor Drives a fuel-efficient vehicle and works for Nickelodeon She's a total delight, volunteers at the hospital And she's filling out forms to adopt a Cambodian But no one's ever gonna understand or even get to know her For no matter what she does their expectations only lower Nothing she can say will ever change the way it is Because her resting face makes her look like a bitch Yeah, she looks like a bitch She's an awesome girl, she's the head of the PTA Always brings the refreshments which is rather endearing She's extremely smart and she's always polite enough But it's best not to look at her 'Cause she's never not sneering And all of her attempts to make new friends They're pretty much ignored Since her appearance always lands somewhere Between annoyed and bored And no one really cares about how wonderful she is Because her resting face makes her look like a bitch Yeah, her resting face makes her look like a She's eternally committed to one facial expression It looks like she's had a couple dozen Botox injections It makes no difference about her attitude or inflection Her face could stop a clock Or scare the mob or kill an erection She's the visual equivalent of dubstep She's got a look for radio Her scowl could make a baby chunder Every time she 's smiling people get jealous of Stevie Wonder If she ever comes your way just dive into a ditch Because her resting face makes her look like a bitch Yeah, her resting face makes her look like a bitch Her resting face makes her look Like the very last shit that Ghandi took Her resting face makes her look like a biotch
I thought that I could trust you I thought that you were different But you went and ruined everything And then you ran away And now I feel so cheated, so cynical and hollow And faced with this scenario There's only one thing I can say It's on like Donkey Kong I'm gonna throw a bunch of barrels at you I'll set fire to the ladder you're on And there might even be some sort of bouncing thing too It's on like Donkey Kong And I know that you think that I am probably bananas But this is a game where only the toughest one survives And if you come at me it really won't be pretty And I'm gonna make you run for all three of your lives It's on like Donkey Kong I'm gonna rig a bunch of oil drums that'll set you ablaze You can come at me with a hammer If that's what you want But you're gonna have to get to me Through a four-tier maze It's on like Donkey Kong I'll kidnap your princess and I'll take her on a date And when you get trampled, you'll see that I'm strong And you best not fuck with a giant primate It's on like Donkey Kong
This is where you and I first met You probably remember it well, I bet We didn't really know each other yet But soon we would fall in love This is where you and I would sit And stare out into the world and reflect on it And as I held you I would ogle your tits I knew that it must be love This is where we would go to spend Our time together on the weekends Just you and I, and not your stupid friends And further we fell in love This is where I saw the pharmacist So I could buy some prophylactics He turned out to be your dad, and he was pissed This is where I had to take a pee And they took a lot of blood out of my body To make sure I didn't have an STD So then we could make sweet love This is where you and I would play We made out and had a roll in the hay You touched my dick and I came right away Because I was so in love I hear it happens to guys all the time This is where we would go to walk And all about our future we would talk And I would try to get you to suck my cock That was my idea of love This is where we would have said, "I do" If I had ever proposed to you But a wedding's expensive, and I'm a Jew I guess I'm not that in love No, I suppose I'm not that in love
There was a girl in the 40's Who lived in Amsterdam with her family She used to hide from the Nazis And wrote down all of her thoughts in a diary Then sometime after she died Somebody found the house where she used to hide He said, "I'll publish this book far and wide And maybe I'll make a little cash on the side" He's the biggest asshole ever, biggest asshole ever He's probably insanely rich But he's mostly just a fucking bitch The biggest asshole ever Yeah, that guy's a cunt There was this guy named Charles Manson Started a family, they all thought he was handsome And since he killed lots of people It wouldn't be a stretch to say that he's evil He followed Scientology on a whim But quit because he said it was too crazy for him Meanwhile, L. Ron Hubbard was collecting his checks And a few decades later, he brainwashed Beck He's the biggest asshole ever, biggest asshole ever I don't give a shit what you're trying to do The jerk store called and they're out of you The biggest asshole ever I hope his kids get AIDS Shakespeare wrote a lot of good sonnets But he slit all of his characters' throats The king of Spain threw his wealth at Columbus But he couldn't fucking pilot a boat Dr. Phil, talking out of his sphincter Doesn't know a Goddamn thing about health Mel Gibson is an asshole and he's also a dick So he can literally go fuck himself Yeah, he can fuck himself There are so many tragedies And they get cheapened by stupid songs like these I'm almost like a parasitic disease But I don't really care as long as you buy my CDs I'm the biggest asshole ever, biggest asshole ever The worst thing you can be by far Is a douche bag with an acoustic guitar So I'm the biggest asshole ever And you can suck my balls
Drivin’ through the city Sun is shining, birds are soaring through the sky so high Drivin’, feeling lovely Look at all the pretty buildings flying by, oh my It’s so relaxing that it makes me wanna sing Hey, let’s turn on that radio So many people walking up and down the block Passing them by and waving hello Drivin’ through the city Wish that cyclist would just get out of my way today What’s up with this trailer? Get your thumb out of your ass and pick a lane, oy vey Holy shit, did you see that asshole cut me off? I hope his family dies in a fire Quick, grab the wheel so I can get my shotgun out Gonna put a hole in his fucking tire Drivin’ through the city Holy Moses, look at this douchebag in his truck, uh huh They put a center lane there For a reason, you uneducated fuck, uh huh Now here’s some cuntwad blue-haired lady in a Buick What in the Christ is she doing there? She’s had her signal on for the last ten fucking miles I hope she gets killed by a bear Drivin’ through the city What do you mean, you think that we should have a talk? I don’t have anger issues Well, if it’s so nice out, get the fuck out and walk Don’t tell me when I can and when I can’t have a beer I’ll fucking push you out the door Oh, great, here’s comes a cop, I hope you’re satisfied Guess we’re not drivin’ Guess we’re not drivin’ Guess we’re not drivin’ anymore
I like flowers, and picking flowers for you And I like playing music and watching Winnie the Pooh I like shopping for new clothes and I like getting dressed But there’s nothing I like more than eating human flesh I like hanging out with my friends And my family, I love them They can be so sweet and tender When they’re fresh out the oven ‘Cause I’m a cannibal La la la la la La la la la la la la La la la la la la My girl likes gardening and watching daytime TV She likes picnics and ponies and hanging out with me When it comes to swimming or bowling She’s always ready and willin’ She likes just about everything except for babies and children She likes having sexual intercourse And she gets pregnant a lot So she’ll throw herself down a flight of stairs Or stick a hanger in her twat She has no kids at all It feels so nice to sing a song I hope that you will sing along And if it makes you feel the best I’ll take a dump upon your chest Our neighbor likes reading the paper And having a bottle of wine He likes writing, mixing cocktails And meeting people online Sometimes he likes showing up at our door And giving us lots of hugs And I usually barely feel a thing Because of all of the drugs He gave me Rohypnol Everybody!
You can do anything if you put effort in it The world is your oyster, the sky is the limit But you can't find the clitoris And you can't find the G-spot And as far as you're concerned the vagina Is just one big mystery spot You can knock down walls if you try You're the man of the hour Your tenacity knows no bounds There's no end to your mental power But that spongy tissue beside the urethra Is giving you a lot of trouble And every time you search for the clitoral hood You seem to only find shaving stubble If you believe in yourself There's not a single achievement that you can't do But getting your girlfriend off Is going to take a little bit more time for you You've got to lift your head up high And shoot for the stars as they float through the sky Because that will hopefully distract you from The fact that you can't make a woman come, yeah You can do anything, you'll find out sooner or later But if you want to give your lady any pleasure at all You should probably just buy a vibrator But don't you become discouraged Don't let yourself get pissed You can just join the ranks of all the men out there Who don't believe that the G-spot exists They don't believe that the G-spot exists They don't believe in the clitoris The female orgasm doesn't exist And you can do anything except for this
We poppin' bottles in the club tonight We poppin' collars in the club tonight We gettin' freaky in the club tonight And everybody gonna feel all right Tonight, everybody gonna have fun And we won't stop 'til we see that rising sun Tonight, everybody gonna have a ball 'Cause tonight, the club is filled With white people wall to wall We gonna drink that Pinot Grigio and Riesling wine We gonna pump some Matchbox Twenty And some Third Eye Blind We gonna rock our wool-knit sweaters And our argyle socks And ain't nobody gonna make fun of our tiny cocks 'Cause we poppin' bottles in the club tonight We jockin' bitches in the club tonight We goin' crazy in the club tonight And everybody in the club is white Tonight, everybody gonna get buck wild Eatin' sushi and drinkin' tea with chamomile Tonight, everybody gonna show some skin And talkin' 'bout how one day They all gonna move to Oregon We gonna show off all our Japanese symbol tattoos We gon' tear up the dance floor In our New Balance shoes We gon' get valet parking for our Toyota Prius And I can't stress enough, don't make fun of our penis 'Cause we poppin' bottles in the club tonight We gettin' hot up in the club tonight We'll sing along to "Afternoon Delight" 'Cause we're all seriously hecka-white Girl, if you wanna get freaky with me on the floor Then I'm'a get freaky witchu But my Irish Catholic heritage Doesn't make for very good dance moves And girl, you look so fine in your thrift store dress And if you wanna have awkward sex Then we can get out of here Pick up some Natty light beer on the way to my duplex Tonight is 80's night and so is tomorrow night and So is the night after that and then the night after that So we'll be gettin' dirty while listening to Journey And in tank tops and tube socks We gonna tear the roof off We poppin' bottles in the club tonight We shakin' asses in the club tonight And we don't care if you're a neophyte 'Cause we be usin' words like "neophyte" We poppin' bottles in the club tonight We poppin' collars in the club tonight There ain't a lick of melanin in sight And everybody gonna feel all right now
Logic 04:55
Hey, I want to hook up with you And then I never want to see you again Hey, I absolutely like you But I think that we'd be better as friends Hey, do you want to be exclusive? Well, I don't, I was just asking for fun Hey, thanks for buying me dinner But there's this guy I want to fuck so I really better run That's the logic of the women that I've met Hey, I kinda think I love you But I'd love you more if you'd never call Hey, I think that we should hang out But I'll never be available at all Oh hey, I'd want to be your girlfriend If I weren't already seeing someone Oh hey, I would totally fuck you But I'm working on becoming a nun In dealing with these fucking girls There's no way I can win I've tried my hardest to get out But they keep on pulling me back in What's so great about a vagina anyway? It's just a patch of wrinkled skin And yet I keep on chasing it And I keep on embracing it It'd be so amazing if I could just become gay for a bit But being a gay isn't a choice And neither is being a straight So they say hey, I think that you're amazing The greatest catch there ever could be One day, you'll find the perfect woman But that woman sure as shit isn't me Oh, hey, you're like a fucking Adonis If Adonis couldn't get pussy for squat Hey, I'll literally date anyone in the whole wide world Except for anybody named Scott You motherfuckers That's the logic of the women that I've met Maybe I should go celibate Yes, that's the logic of the women that I've met I wish I could just switch-hit Some fucking logic of the women that I've met The women that I've met The stupid asshole women that I've met
Gay Chicken 04:28
Gather 'round now, boys and girls We're going to play a game And by the time we're done with it You'll never be the same A contest, if you will Designed to test your mental limits It might go on four hours But sometimes it's only minutes More strategy then Battleship and Monopoly combined It's going to blow your mind When you're blowing someone from behind Oh, Gay Chicken Oh, Gay Chicken It starts with intense eye contact and licking of the lips Then it keeps on progressing until one contender slips A kiss leads to a tickle Leads to grabbing someone's crotch And everyone's uncomfortable It's really fun to watch There's more suspense than Jenga And more mystery than Clue You won't know what to do When they're ironically pursuing you Before you all get mad at me Because this song is not PC You can apply the stuff I've said To play a game of straight chicken instead I have competed in Gay Chicken before And there's no straight boy alive Who can upset my score There's guys massaging my shoulders Soon they're rubbing my back Won't be long 'til we're making out While they're fondling my sack Whether rimjob or handjob, I'm'a get the job done I won't act like I'm creeped out until I'm number one I've been training for decades and I'll fight to the finish I'll compete for America at the Gay Chicken Olympics So keep on comin' up behind me Keep on shakin' your cocks If there were Gay Chicken Wheaties I'd be the fucker on the box You know I'm not backing down and I'll never give in I'll even take it in the ass if that's what it takes to win Playin’ Yeah, if you believe, my friends, you can achieve You can even marry Mary But still mess around with Steve And when I'm old and gray and I can no longer play If you put your mind to it If you put your behind to it If you're so inclined to it, then you can be my protégé
High On Life 02:45
What a magical world we live in What a wonderful place to wake up to Each day the sun is shining, shining And there's so many things to do I've got no time for feeling down in the dumps No time for any kind of strife 'Cause I'm high on life I'm high on life I love to inhale that fresh air And then just sit around for hours And if I ever need a pick-me-up I'll sniff a line of flowers And all those trees always help me relax No need to stuff them in a pipe I'm so high on life So high on life I just want to pack my face With those cool, breezy winds I still convulse when I see the sunrise And I haven't even built up a tolerance Now, sometimes my friends and I We'll all get high on life together We'll tie our arms to a kite Out in the sunny summer weather Hey, don't go bogarding that rainbow Else I might have to shank you with my knife 'Cause I'm whacked out on life Strung out on life And also meth, but mostly life I'm high on life


released November 5, 2013


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Scott Gesser Phoenix, Arizona

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