1. |
Let Us Pray
04:21
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Some people like to pray to God
Some people tend to worship Allah
Still others only look to Buddha
And that's fine for them
But I've spent my days not really sure
Of the deity that I could search for
Until I came across a clothing store
And that bucked the trend
Now all of a sudden, his power is everywhere
I see it so clearly, though it looks like there's nothing there
And every time I'm given the chance
I have to revere the inventor of yoga pants
Some people go to Sunday Mass
Personally, I'd rather worship that ass
I might even take a Zumba class just to get a peek
And to the heavens I pray
“I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you walk away
Now remember what those ancient sermons say
And turn the other cheek”
Whenever I spot them, those church bells begin to chime
The ladies that wear them don't even do yoga half the time
I'd offer up my greatest rain dance
To bask in the glory of the inventor of yoga pants
And now I spot them everywhere that I go
You might be working on your downward dog
But all I see is camel toe
They look so damn comfortable
It's like you ain't wearing nothing at all
And I would wear them too
But no one's looking to view
The exact outline of my cock and my balls, now
The texts of our elders might rattle off random prose
But they don't have a garment made for sitting in lotus pose
Or walking around campus, or even picking up eggs
Moses parted the Red Sea, but I'd settle for your legs, now
Whoever came up with this, I'm sure I don't know him
But if it came down to it, I'd probably blow him
Every day's a new religious experience
Thanks to my supernatural muse, the inventor of yoga pants
The inventor of yoga pants
But seriously, I can see your vagina
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2. |
Vanilla
06:04
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I started seeing you and soon we fell in love
Your charm and beauty must been sent from above
There's only one small problem that I can think of
When it comes to fucking, you're vanilla
It takes a little more than sex to get me hot
It's not enough to simply thrust into your twat
And I don't mean a hand job in a Walgreen's parking lot
That's still my idea of vanilla
There's nothing more that I want than to be restrained
Please flog my ass with whips and hold me down with chains
The feel of leather everywhere drives me insane
You say you understand, and now that I've complained
I'll be sorry
Then one day you came home with a paddle for my butt
In hopes that using it would eliminate our rut
You spanked me furiously and told me I'm a slut
But you're still barely past vanilla
So then you showed up with one of those huge dildos
And said that if I'm good you'll show me where it goes
It's too bad I already own a bunch of those
Nice try there, Admiral Vanilla
You've made it clear your goal in bed is just to wreck me
To Indian burns and purple-nurples you'll subject me
You'll gag me with a spoon and sometimes you'll hip-check me
Then take a branding iron and apply it directly to my nuts
But I still think you're vanilla
You say it's over and you don't love me anymore
You're a human being, not some trashy little whore
And as you pack your bags and head for my front door
Suddenly I stop you and I quietly implore
Is your sister still seeing that neurosurgeon?
The next thing that I know, I wake up in a bed
With seven broken ribs and a contusion in my head
The doctor tells me that I'm lucky I'm not dead
And suddenly it hits me that I really should have said
The sister thing earlier
Because that was not vanilla
No, that was not vanilla
And I'm one lucky fella
Because that was not vanilla
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3. |
The W. T. Pooh Files
04:36
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Winnie the Pooh's a stuffed bear with dreadful eating habits
He'll scarf down all his honey
Then he'll scarf down more at Rabbit's
He's starting to burst at the seams as he does a little dance
I guess he eats to compensate for never wearing pants
Piglet's got delusions that leave him with a nervous tic
His many frightening visions have left him schizophrenic
He's developed a stuh-stuh-stutter
And he's even scared of snoring
I'm surprised that any ghosts would haunt someone so boring
Rabbit's got some issues; he's an angry little fellow
He's complained to the point
That his fur's turned greenish-yellow
He'll start yelling at his friends at the slightest mishap
And I think that he's pissed
Because his carrots taste like crap
Things aren't looking good in the Hundred Acre Wood
These characters will never change
I don't think that they could
Tigger's always moving and he lives like a stampede
He's bouncin' around day in and day out
He's probably on speed
He gets overexcited and he needs self-discipline
The only resolution is to put him on Ritalin
Gopher ain't no picnic either; I'm quite sure of that
He digs around incessantly and rarely stops to chat
His workaholic tendencies he never will relent
The only other problem is his speech impediment
There's some major depression
That Eeyore has been packing
He repeatedly builds a house; it always ends up lacking
He often sighs and sits alone in bug-infested grass
I suppose I'd be unhappy too with a pin stuck in my ass
Kanga and her offspring, Roo, have got it pretty bad
They never really go into what happened to Roo's dad
The family's dysfunctional, and that's just mildly thinking
'Cause I've also heard that Kanga's
Getting into heavy drinking
Owl's the only one of them who's literally flighty
Just 'cause he lives in a tree, he acts all high and mighty
He won't even show up for the average episode
And who knows?
Maybe one day he'll eat some rice and explode
Christopher Robin should be placed in a mental hospital
He thinks he's got the makings of a young Dr. Doolittle
He roams around the forest crying out like a big baby
But one day he'll be coming home to find out he's got rabies
One more time
Their living off-key might not satisfy you and me
But I guess at least they're living somewhat in reality
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4. |
Resting Face
02:50
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She's a really nice girl
Has a great sense of humor
Drives a fuel-efficient vehicle and works for Nickelodeon
She's a total delight, volunteers at the hospital
And she's filling out forms to adopt a Cambodian
But no one's ever gonna understand or even get to know her
For no matter what she does their expectations only lower
Nothing she can say will ever change the way it is
Because her resting face makes her look like a bitch
Yeah, she looks like a bitch
She's an awesome girl, she's the head of the PTA
Always brings the refreshments which is rather endearing
She's extremely smart and she's always polite enough
But it's best not to look at her
'Cause she's never not sneering
And all of her attempts to make new friends
They're pretty much ignored
Since her appearance always lands somewhere
Between annoyed and bored
And no one really cares about how wonderful she is
Because her resting face makes her look like a bitch
Yeah, her resting face makes her look like a
She's eternally committed to one facial expression
It looks like she's had a couple dozen Botox injections
It makes no difference about her attitude or inflection
Her face could stop a clock
Or scare the mob or kill an erection
She's the visual equivalent of dubstep
She's got a look for radio
Her scowl could make a baby chunder
Every time she 's smiling people get jealous of Stevie Wonder
If she ever comes your way just dive into a ditch
Because her resting face makes her look like a bitch
Yeah, her resting face makes her look like a bitch
Her resting face makes her look
Like the very last shit that Ghandi took
Her resting face makes her look like a biotch
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5. |
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I thought that I could trust you
I thought that you were different
But you went and ruined everything
And then you ran away
And now I feel so cheated, so cynical and hollow
And faced with this scenario
There's only one thing I can say
It's on like Donkey Kong
I'm gonna throw a bunch of barrels at you
I'll set fire to the ladder you're on
And there might even be some sort of bouncing thing too
It's on like Donkey Kong
And I know that you think that I am probably bananas
But this is a game where only the toughest one survives
And if you come at me it really won't be pretty
And I'm gonna make you run for all three of your lives
It's on like Donkey Kong
I'm gonna rig a bunch of oil drums that'll set you ablaze
You can come at me with a hammer
If that's what you want
But you're gonna have to get to me
Through a four-tier maze
It's on like Donkey Kong
I'll kidnap your princess and I'll take her on a date
And when you get trampled, you'll see that I'm strong
And you best not fuck with a giant primate
It's on like Donkey Kong
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6. |
This Is Where
03:42
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This is where you and I first met
You probably remember it well, I bet
We didn't really know each other yet
But soon we would fall in love
This is where you and I would sit
And stare out into the world and reflect on it
And as I held you I would ogle your tits
I knew that it must be love
This is where we would go to spend
Our time together on the weekends
Just you and I, and not your stupid friends
And further we fell in love
This is where I saw the pharmacist
So I could buy some prophylactics
He turned out to be your dad, and he was pissed
This is where I had to take a pee
And they took a lot of blood out of my body
To make sure I didn't have an STD
So then we could make sweet love
This is where you and I would play
We made out and had a roll in the hay
You touched my dick and I came right away
Because I was so in love
I hear it happens to guys all the time
This is where we would go to walk
And all about our future we would talk
And I would try to get you to suck my cock
That was my idea of love
This is where we would have said, "I do"
If I had ever proposed to you
But a wedding's expensive, and I'm a Jew
I guess I'm not that in love
No, I suppose I'm not that in love
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7. |
Biggest Asshole Ever
04:21
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There was a girl in the 40's
Who lived in Amsterdam with her family
She used to hide from the Nazis
And wrote down all of her thoughts in a diary
Then sometime after she died
Somebody found the house where she used to hide
He said, "I'll publish this book far and wide
And maybe I'll make a little cash on the side"
He's the biggest asshole ever, biggest asshole ever
He's probably insanely rich
But he's mostly just a fucking bitch
The biggest asshole ever
Yeah, that guy's a cunt
There was this guy named Charles Manson
Started a family, they all thought he was handsome
And since he killed lots of people
It wouldn't be a stretch to say that he's evil
He followed Scientology on a whim
But quit because he said it was too crazy for him
Meanwhile, L. Ron Hubbard was collecting his checks
And a few decades later, he brainwashed Beck
He's the biggest asshole ever, biggest asshole ever
I don't give a shit what you're trying to do
The jerk store called and they're out of you
The biggest asshole ever
I hope his kids get AIDS
Shakespeare wrote a lot of good sonnets
But he slit all of his characters' throats
The king of Spain threw his wealth at Columbus
But he couldn't fucking pilot a boat
Dr. Phil, talking out of his sphincter
Doesn't know a Goddamn thing about health
Mel Gibson is an asshole and he's also a dick
So he can literally go fuck himself
Yeah, he can fuck himself
There are so many tragedies
And they get cheapened by stupid songs like these
I'm almost like a parasitic disease
But I don't really care as long as you buy my CDs
I'm the biggest asshole ever, biggest asshole ever
The worst thing you can be by far
Is a douche bag with an acoustic guitar
So I'm the biggest asshole ever
And you can suck my balls
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8. |
Drivin' Through The City
03:25
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Drivin’ through the city
Sun is shining, birds are soaring through the sky so high
Drivin’, feeling lovely
Look at all the pretty buildings flying by, oh my
It’s so relaxing that it makes me wanna sing
Hey, let’s turn on that radio
So many people walking up and down the block
Passing them by and waving hello
Drivin’ through the city
Wish that cyclist would just get out of my way today
What’s up with this trailer?
Get your thumb out of your ass and pick a lane, oy vey
Holy shit, did you see that asshole cut me off?
I hope his family dies in a fire
Quick, grab the wheel so I can get my shotgun out
Gonna put a hole in his fucking tire
Drivin’ through the city
Holy Moses, look at this douchebag in his truck, uh huh
They put a center lane there
For a reason, you uneducated fuck, uh huh
Now here’s some cuntwad blue-haired lady in a Buick
What in the Christ is she doing there?
She’s had her signal on for the last ten fucking miles
I hope she gets killed by a bear
Drivin’ through the city
What do you mean, you think that we should have a talk?
I don’t have anger issues
Well, if it’s so nice out, get the fuck out and walk
Don’t tell me when I can and when I can’t have a beer
I’ll fucking push you out the door
Oh, great, here’s comes a cop, I hope you’re satisfied
Guess we’re not drivin’
Guess we’re not drivin’
Guess we’re not drivin’ anymore
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9. |
La La La La La
04:06
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I like flowers, and picking flowers for you
And I like playing music and watching Winnie the Pooh
I like shopping for new clothes and I like getting dressed
But there’s nothing I like more than eating human flesh
I like hanging out with my friends
And my family, I love them
They can be so sweet and tender
When they’re fresh out the oven
‘Cause I’m a cannibal
La la la la la
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la
My girl likes gardening and watching daytime TV
She likes picnics and ponies and hanging out with me
When it comes to swimming or bowling
She’s always ready and willin’
She likes just about everything except for babies and children
She likes having sexual intercourse
And she gets pregnant a lot
So she’ll throw herself down a flight of stairs
Or stick a hanger in her twat
She has no kids at all
It feels so nice to sing a song
I hope that you will sing along
And if it makes you feel the best
I’ll take a dump upon your chest
Our neighbor likes reading the paper
And having a bottle of wine
He likes writing, mixing cocktails
And meeting people online
Sometimes he likes showing up at our door
And giving us lots of hugs
And I usually barely feel a thing
Because of all of the drugs
He gave me Rohypnol
Everybody!
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10. |
You Can Do Anything
03:08
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You can do anything if you put effort in it
The world is your oyster, the sky is the limit
But you can't find the clitoris
And you can't find the G-spot
And as far as you're concerned the vagina
Is just one big mystery spot
You can knock down walls if you try
You're the man of the hour
Your tenacity knows no bounds
There's no end to your mental power
But that spongy tissue beside the urethra
Is giving you a lot of trouble
And every time you search for the clitoral hood
You seem to only find shaving stubble
If you believe in yourself
There's not a single achievement that you can't do
But getting your girlfriend off
Is going to take a little bit more time for you
You've got to lift your head up high
And shoot for the stars as they float through the sky
Because that will hopefully distract you from
The fact that you can't make a woman come, yeah
You can do anything, you'll find out sooner or later
But if you want to give your lady any pleasure at all
You should probably just buy a vibrator
But don't you become discouraged
Don't let yourself get pissed
You can just join the ranks of all the men out there
Who don't believe that the G-spot exists
They don't believe that the G-spot exists
They don't believe in the clitoris
The female orgasm doesn't exist
And you can do anything except for this
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11. |
Poppin' Bottles
03:31
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We poppin' bottles in the club tonight
We poppin' collars in the club tonight
We gettin' freaky in the club tonight
And everybody gonna feel all right
Tonight, everybody gonna have fun
And we won't stop 'til we see that rising sun
Tonight, everybody gonna have a ball
'Cause tonight, the club is filled
With white people wall to wall
We gonna drink that Pinot Grigio and Riesling wine
We gonna pump some Matchbox Twenty
And some Third Eye Blind
We gonna rock our wool-knit sweaters
And our argyle socks
And ain't nobody gonna make fun of our tiny cocks
'Cause we poppin' bottles in the club tonight
We jockin' bitches in the club tonight
We goin' crazy in the club tonight
And everybody in the club is white
Tonight, everybody gonna get buck wild
Eatin' sushi and drinkin' tea with chamomile
Tonight, everybody gonna show some skin
And talkin' 'bout how one day
They all gonna move to Oregon
We gonna show off all our Japanese symbol tattoos
We gon' tear up the dance floor
In our New Balance shoes
We gon' get valet parking for our Toyota Prius
And I can't stress enough, don't make fun of our penis
'Cause we poppin' bottles in the club tonight
We gettin' hot up in the club tonight
We'll sing along to "Afternoon Delight"
'Cause we're all seriously hecka-white
Girl, if you wanna get freaky with me on the floor
Then I'm'a get freaky witchu
But my Irish Catholic heritage
Doesn't make for very good dance moves
And girl, you look so fine in your thrift store dress
And if you wanna have awkward sex
Then we can get out of here
Pick up some Natty light beer on the way to my duplex
Tonight is 80's night and so is tomorrow night and
So is the night after that and then the night after that
So we'll be gettin' dirty while listening to Journey
And in tank tops and tube socks
We gonna tear the roof off
We poppin' bottles in the club tonight
We shakin' asses in the club tonight
And we don't care if you're a neophyte
'Cause we be usin' words like "neophyte"
We poppin' bottles in the club tonight
We poppin' collars in the club tonight
There ain't a lick of melanin in sight
And everybody gonna feel all right now
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12. |
Logic
04:55
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Hey, I want to hook up with you
And then I never want to see you again
Hey, I absolutely like you
But I think that we'd be better as friends
Hey, do you want to be exclusive?
Well, I don't, I was just asking for fun
Hey, thanks for buying me dinner
But there's this guy I want to fuck so I really better run
That's the logic of the women that I've met
Hey, I kinda think I love you
But I'd love you more if you'd never call
Hey, I think that we should hang out
But I'll never be available at all
Oh hey, I'd want to be your girlfriend
If I weren't already seeing someone
Oh hey, I would totally fuck you
But I'm working on becoming a nun
In dealing with these fucking girls
There's no way I can win
I've tried my hardest to get out
But they keep on pulling me back in
What's so great about a vagina anyway?
It's just a patch of wrinkled skin
And yet I keep on chasing it
And I keep on embracing it
It'd be so amazing if I could just become gay for a bit
But being a gay isn't a choice
And neither is being a straight
So they say hey, I think that you're amazing
The greatest catch there ever could be
One day, you'll find the perfect woman
But that woman sure as shit isn't me
Oh, hey, you're like a fucking Adonis
If Adonis couldn't get pussy for squat
Hey, I'll literally date anyone in the whole wide world
Except for anybody named Scott
You motherfuckers
That's the logic of the women that I've met
Maybe I should go celibate
Yes, that's the logic of the women that I've met
I wish I could just switch-hit
Some fucking logic of the women that I've met
The women that I've met
The stupid asshole women that I've met
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13. |
Gay Chicken
04:28
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Gather 'round now, boys and girls
We're going to play a game
And by the time we're done with it
You'll never be the same
A contest, if you will
Designed to test your mental limits
It might go on four hours
But sometimes it's only minutes
More strategy then Battleship and Monopoly combined
It's going to blow your mind
When you're blowing someone from behind
Oh, Gay Chicken
Oh, Gay Chicken
It starts with intense eye contact and licking of the lips
Then it keeps on progressing until one contender slips
A kiss leads to a tickle
Leads to grabbing someone's crotch
And everyone's uncomfortable
It's really fun to watch
There's more suspense than Jenga
And more mystery than Clue
You won't know what to do
When they're ironically pursuing you
Before you all get mad at me
Because this song is not PC
You can apply the stuff I've said
To play a game of straight chicken instead
I have competed in Gay Chicken before
And there's no straight boy alive
Who can upset my score
There's guys massaging my shoulders
Soon they're rubbing my back
Won't be long 'til we're making out
While they're fondling my sack
Whether rimjob or handjob, I'm'a get the job done
I won't act like I'm creeped out until I'm number one
I've been training for decades and I'll fight to the finish
I'll compete for America at the Gay Chicken Olympics
So keep on comin' up behind me
Keep on shakin' your cocks
If there were Gay Chicken Wheaties
I'd be the fucker on the box
You know I'm not backing down and I'll never give in
I'll even take it in the ass if that's what it takes to win
Playin’
Yeah, if you believe, my friends, you can achieve
You can even marry Mary
But still mess around with Steve
And when I'm old and gray and I can no longer play
If you put your mind to it
If you put your behind to it
If you're so inclined to it, then you can be my protégé
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14. |
High On Life
02:45
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What a magical world we live in
What a wonderful place to wake up to
Each day the sun is shining, shining
And there's so many things to do
I've got no time for feeling down in the dumps
No time for any kind of strife
'Cause I'm high on life
I'm high on life
I love to inhale that fresh air
And then just sit around for hours
And if I ever need a pick-me-up
I'll sniff a line of flowers
And all those trees always help me relax
No need to stuff them in a pipe
I'm so high on life
So high on life
I just want to pack my face
With those cool, breezy winds
I still convulse when I see the sunrise
And I haven't even built up a tolerance
Now, sometimes my friends and I
We'll all get high on life together
We'll tie our arms to a kite
Out in the sunny summer weather
Hey, don't go bogarding that rainbow
Else I might have to shank you with my knife
'Cause I'm whacked out on life
Strung out on life
And also meth, but mostly life
I'm high on life
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