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All The Good Album Titles Were Taken

by Scott Gesser

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You Exist 02:16
My grandfather made a movie Of everything leading to the moment when I was born I watched it and it didn’t make sense so I watched it again And now I know I exist Living and breathing are locked in a tie on my to-do list I can be anything except eternally anything You get bigger every day of your life Until someone pulls a lever and you start to shrink Don’t worry, it happens to literally everyone And that’s how you know you exist Every minute is a minute you can’t have possibly missed You can be anything except eternally anything We all wonder what’s going to happen In the middle of the night and we might get sick But for now we exist We can sprout hair from the tops of our heads And have our first kiss We can do anything as long as we remember that we exist If it turned out that this was made up I’d be a little bit pissed We can be anything except eternally anything Anything except eternally anything
You know what? What, man? Get your asses up ‘cause this is not a drill Don’t act like you wear the biggest shoes to fill This is where we reign over the rioting melee If you aren’t down with us, then get out of the way ‘Cause we stand out like bird shit on a black shoe That’s true We control the crowds and we control the laws Echoed into space is thundering applause Even when the show is done we take over the joint If they ask who run the world, you know just where to point I step on stage, break a leg and a ligament
The newspaper was torn to shreds The news was left mangled as it landed on our shoulders The TV set didn’t take its meds So the static swooped in and test patterns took over Dianetics was a super fraud The eighties made the call and the war got colder One man could hardly stand to play his god So the lynch mob sang and test patterns took over When the city looked up to the sky All the blue was replaced with a stark, blank white With a large black circle running through its crest Blaring, “This is just a test”
I been messin’ around with the with the gramophone I been flexin’ my brain like it’s going out of style Don’t treat me like an animal Don’t look at me in that tone of voice I will arrest you I am not a chump, I, I am not a chump I will upset you I am not a chump, I, I am not a chump I will outflex you I got nothin’ to lose and I’m and I’m going home Drop me off at the curb when I’m kickin’ a country mile Don’t treat me like an animal Don’t yell at me with your side-eye I want to be your bones The ones that never leave you alone I want to be your bones, motherfucker
You can’t take me anywhere You can’t take me anywhere You can’t take me anywhere
Garbage Time 02:44
My doctor said there’s nothing wrong with me Handed me cash and hailed me a taxi Put me to bed and stroked the top of my head Until I fell into a pit of ecstasy I was wrong to think that it would last I was wrong to think at all Garbage time gonna take you all away Garbage time gonna make you regret everything My tax return was bigger than I thought Used it to open up a restaurant Stayed open late for all the people on dates And when they tried the crudités they were so awed
Every day is quite a task Favors far too much to ask I completely recognize where you’re coming from But it’s hard to see your plan Knowing where you opt to stand I’m afraid my body’s starting to go rather numb I won’t shoot for the moon But I have one request for you I know that things are difficult and it can be a pain But would you please remove your foot from my throat? It’s hard to see the sunshine when you’re standing in the rain But would you please remove your foot from my throat? Oh, the pressure is too great It seems we’re at a stalemate I would hire a negotiator to talk you down But your foot remains in place Mere inches below my face I admit I would prefer if you weren’t around I’m getting sore as heck From your footprint upon my neck
Dream sequence from hell Dream sequence from hell
Side To Side 02:42
As soon as I hit the floor I’m not me anymore I’m nothing like before Oh, my kingdom not to be an eyesore You’re looking vexed like maybe I’ve been hexed I know what’s coming next Sure enough, that’s when your path intersects This is not the interaction I signed up for I just want the world to put me in its back pocket Stop looking me up and down And look me side to side What a relief, at least that one was brief While I dispel my grief Slyly shield myself with my handkerchief But you don’t go, you’ve brought a crowd in tow And now you’d like to know If I’ll pose with you for a group photo Every single second my rage increases Right now I could stand to tie myself to a rocket You know it wouldn’t take much, it wouldn’t take much at all To turn my day into a daydream But chances are that the sun would be more likely to fall Than for your horizontal gazing
Benihana 02:15
I have a plan to take over the world And I need you as my backup We should probably hire some henchmen We’ll rendezvous to go over the details And while we’re out we might as well Get some personalized attention You know the meeting location The teppanyaki station at Benihana Within mere days, they’ll all be under my thumb The law will be no match for us I’m totally sure of that No man alive can undermine my scheming Oh wait a second, the chef’s about to Flip a shrimp tail in his hat Little onion volcano How can I say no to Benihana? The globe will crumble, democracy will stumble And while I share the how and where I’ll quell my stomach rumble They’ll take the hint But they won’t know where to sprint, now And on my way into doomsday A complimentary mint from Benihana
Middle 8 00:29
Intro, verse, chorus, verse, chorus Middle eight, middle eight Middle eight, middle eight Verse, chorus, outro
No Relation 01:00
I am me, no relation to I I am me, no relation to I I know we look similar, we’ve been told we look similar But although we’re conflated, we’re just not related at all I’m myself, no relation to me And I know it’s a problem to see We’re from the same county, we’re from the same town But although we’re consistent, our DNA’s different If you think I’ve told a lie On the divergence between me and I Find a different hill on which to die
She was at the top of her game The cream of the crop, some say Back in school she was always the envy of all her friends But they say you should never let a good time spoil Because you’ll end up missing it desperately When it finally ends This whole thing has nothing to do with you Meanwhile on the other side of the world A package full of redemption is making its way Toward wherever it is she thrives But there’s a guy with a come hither gaze And what the hell, a pack of Pall Mall slims So she misses the damn thing completely when it arrives Don’t you wake up in the future Now she sits on a front porch that may or may not be hers Swatting at flies that may or may not be there And she thinks about a time when everything was easy And she didn’t even have to try But that thought died shortly thereafter Due to unscrupulous mixed drinks
Chief Champ 02:28
Would you show me how to move? I don’t think there’s a man alive Who can move the way you do Chief champ, chief champ, chief champ Well, I could dive into your eyes But they would be too shallow I wouldn’t have the chance to drown But I’d still undermine the teardrops falling down Would you want to be my friend? It might take a little convincing But it’s worth it in the end
flesruoY eB 00:58
The only option left, the only option left The only option left is to be yourself
Rotoscoped 02:10
The picture showed up in the mail against her will Sick burn, you should do it again She took one look around and decided who to kill All you have to do is say when The attention was paid, the groundwork was laid All the angels aligned within the beds they made But it didn’t turn out the way that she had hoped It all came out rotoscoped She slashed the fat cats’ stacks through the flashback slats Nice try, you incompetent boob They got all torn up and rescinded the welcome mats Better luck with the feeding tube And projected upon the White House lawn Was the notice suggesting she get gone But nobody noticed the notice was enveloped She’s above all the noise; she’s in tune with herself And nothing beyond an earthquake can shake her mentality She adores all the fans and their eagerness to cope But beyond the pale is the dark and
I have to be extremely quiet right now ‘Cause my fiancée is asleep in the other room I know she’s tired because she told me she was And now the volume of my voice must be kept at a two I probably shouldn’t even be recording This song could clearly wait until the next morning But here I am click-click-click-click-clicking and keyboarding You would think that I’d be kind enough to give her a warning I am a low-down, no good son of a bitch Because there’s literally no excuse for this I have to be extremely quiet right now ‘Cause my fiancée is asleep in the other room And if she wakes up there’ll be hell to pay But at least this song will be over
One, two, one, two, three The effects of global warming on one very unfortunate bobcat I was afraid he’d get all antsy but he took it all in stride And now I feel the loss has torn my heart about But the upside is that now we understand the ins and outs Or just part of the ins and outs The effects of global warming on one very unfortunate bobcat I remember when I saw him looking kind of insecure And I would probably have calmed his weary head But I guess it wouldn’t work since now I figure that he’s dead It’s pretty safe to say he’s dead I never thought that much about global warming I never cared that much about global warming The effects of global warming on one very unfortunate bobcat And this case is going to be ripped open wider than the north Because the only thing we’ve actually found Is a pile of bobcat ashes that the wind can blow around Oh yes, they’ve fallen to the ground The effects of global warming on one very unfortunate bobcat Be alert and on your guard Because we’re doomed beyond repair And while the smartest are all saying it’s not funny I can sleep a little easier upon my bed of money Yes, I always sleep much easier upon my bed of money Got a giant pile of money It’s a hill made out of money An obscene amount of money
You are the reason I won’t go to bed You creep around inside of my dreams You are the phantom that lives in my head You permeate my mind with your screams But I still love you I still love you anyway You are the cat I let out of the bag You flood into the dark open air You are the hours that dawdle and drag The time I can’t make up anywhere
The boy who cried wolf picked a fairy tale legend to invest in The children wised up, now the boy resides in his intestine Pinocchio’s face elongated whenever truth was dwindling Geppetto said, “Hey, at least now we’ve got Lots of extra kindling” But that’s neither here nor there I’ve spent time telling all the time I’ve wasted selling all The schemes and stories alike That have formed in the back of my head The lies I’ve been telling, all the time that I’ve been pawning off But now I’ll just confirm I never meant a single word I’ve said I never meant a word I’ve said Jim Carrey was stuck Keeping all of his words in his back pocket He figured it out and the ticket sales started to skyrocket When I turn around, I will try not to laugh or look pompous About all the lies over all of the years that I’ve accomplished


released March 6, 2020


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Scott Gesser Phoenix, Arizona

I'm the guy who records all of this.

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