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Chosen People Adjacent

by Scott Gesser

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We don’t know what the fuck we’re doing We are young, we are invincible Tonight is our night We're gonna party 'til we touch the sky We've finally aged to the appropriate demographic Consisting of anyone who comprises shopping mall traffic It doesn't matter where we're going or where we came from That only thing that makes a difference Is that we've got disposable income We're spending all of our cash on different ways to get trashed 'Cause we have to draw a crowd We're at the top of our game We know what's cool and what's lame We're entitled and we're proud This is our time, we're masters of our destiny We're gonna get wasted And maybe watch the first half of Shrek We're riding a wave so high that nothing can spoil it So don't you try to explain that the economy's down in the toilet We don't need anybody's advice, we've got infinite wisdom And plus there's an outrageous amount of drugs in our system We all rely on our phones because we're basically drones And we don't follow politics We're courteous and polite, and if you don't think that's right You can kindly suck our dicks The moment is ours, we're all individuals We're totally unique even though we're all singing at once This is just a coincidence No, seriously, check this out Peanut butter airplane purple hamster magnet Well shit, forget we said that last thing We have unlimited potential and completely embrace it We're on the threshold of a movement and we're forming a plan We're drinking PBR and starting a fight club in the basement We let our parents pay our phone bills for as long as we can We've got the world upon our shoulders and no history of credit We don't have any concept of what paying taxes is like We mostly share a lot of crap we saw on Buzzfeed and Reddit When we’re not lying to strangers about how often we hike We’re taking over with ease, killing all your industries Like diamonds and restaurants We’re gonna rally and cry, don’t bother asking us why ‘Cause we won’t have a response We are young, I mean we're not old yet It's not like we're twenty-eight and the prime of our life is gone We can do anything except reduce the national debt Or fight global warming or understand how vaccines work We are unstoppable, unflappable We're gonna be all right We’re basically pretty much like gods Now we’re gonna go eat some Tide Pods
You were at the club last Friday night And the bouncer wouldn’t let you inside He said that you weren’t on the list And he even threatened you with his fists So you made a big speech on how you wouldn’t conform And how not everyone fits into social norms Then the bouncer was crying, the clubgoers too As he opened the rope, everyone clapped for you If that were true, I’d be really impressed But your whole anecdote is complete B.S. I can’t tell if you’re lonely or if you’re just sad Seeking validation from strangers That you never got from your dad When you pull up your phone and start tapping those keys That’s the greatest your life is ever going to be As you delude yourself to believe that that happened You were out walking with someone When a guy accosted you with a gun He said, “Give me your money now or I’ll shoot” And you turned around to hand over the loot But when he saw your face he broke down into tears ‘Cause you were the hottest person he’d seen in years And he went to the precinct and turned himself in And the people nearby started clapping again How in the hell would I think you’re legit When it’s obvious you’re homely as shit? I don’t care if you make up details or name names I’m not just taking your word That you got retweeted by LeBron James When you say that you’ve taught baby birds how to fly Or insist your great uncle’s the Dos Equis guy You’re the only one buying into how that happened You claim you turned down Harvard for USC But Harvard still gave you a PhD You keep bragging about your supposed black friend And how he called you an honorary one of them UNICEF didn’t come right to you for help Your crotch didn’t get five stars on Yelp Pauly Shore didn’t fly you to Malibu And no one would care even if that were true Everyone rolls their eyes whenever you narrate ‘Cause all the stories you weave Make the screenplay for Gigli look great When you’re making up garbage about your success I can’t honestly tell who you’re trying to impress Because nobody trusts anything that you say Every moment with you feels like opposite day Maybe you’re ignorant of your own mental health In fact, maybe you fall asleep touching yourself As you dream of an alternate world where that happened Then everyone clapped
DLT 04:33
There’s nothing better than waking up to the one you love There’s nothing better than seeing them smiling back at you Nothing comes close to the feeling you get When you’re with the greatest person that you’ve ever met Yeah, and for most of my life I thought that that was true But then I had a Doritos Locos Taco from Taco Bell It’s like a regular taco but with a Dorito shell And from the moment I ate it, I was converted for life And now I want to make Doritos Locos Tacos my wife Yeah, I want to make Doritos Locos Tacos my wife I got a job with a PR firm up in NYC Got my own corner office and a six-figure salary The work was super easy and the hours were great I’d always go home early after coming in late And I figured that would be the best thing That ever happened to me But then I tried that Doritos Locos Taco from Taco Bell And I stopped going to work so I could eat for a spell And sure, I may have gotten fired but I don’t really care ‘Cause they’re a dollar forty-nine and I’ve got money to spare Yeah, at that rate we’ll see how many I can cram down in there How can one simple fast food item make me feel so complete? Scientists combined the perfect chip With something that can almost pass for taco meat And every time I swallow one down, you know, I feel so alive Who cares that I’ve had eighteen heart attacks at thirty-five? I’ve seen the Great Wall of China and the Eiffel Tower I’ve walked the pyramids and Stonehenge and I toured Babylon And don’t get me wrong, all that stuff was okay But looking back on it, they mostly got in the way Of all the times I could have run for the border And placed a whole ‘nother order And woke up in a pile of wrappers on my lawn I love Doritos Locos Tacos from Taco Bell They raised my serotonin level and helped my sense of smell Though I’m completely stained orange now, I can never go back I’d literally go down on anyone for just one more snack Have you had the Doritos Locos Tacos from Taco Bell? My entire life up until I had one was basically hell And as far as I’m concerned, they’re the most perfect thing Except for maybe those chicken fries from Burger King Or this one other place I went to with these buffalo wings Hey, could somebody call an ambulance? My arm kind of stings
You know, sometimes a fly honey comes over to your crib Thinkin’ one thing’s gonna happen But that ain’t what’s going on at all, baby Girl, I’ve been waiting so long To get you over to my place so we could hang out I lit some candles just to set the mood So we could curl up with each other in the middle of the couch I know I said I’d put on Netflix And we could turn on any program that you want to watch But just imagine my surprise when Twenty minutes into Bojack you start reaching for my crotch Girl, this is not why I invited you to come here I figured we would just watch Kimmy Schmidt And drink some beer You know I’m sure that you could give me quite a thrill But I literally want to Netflix and chill I’m not that kind of guy, Netflix and chill Hey, I even made us popcorn That we could snack on during Mystery Science Theater So you can see why it’s annoying That you keep grinding on me While I’m watching Making A Murderer How can I focus on Stranger Things If you keep shoving your tits directly in my face? I’m really starting to question What your motivation is for coming over in the first place Girl, I admit that what you’re doing is making me hot But there’s no way that you could blow me And still follow the plot That would take an insane amount of skill It would be so much easier to Netflix and chill That’s really more how I Netflix and chill When you said that you were bored You tried to drag me to bed I just figured that we’d switch over to Hulu instead I should have asked you to leave then changed the locks When you pulled off your dress and grabbed my hand And shoved it in your Bird Box Why the hell’d you bring a condom To what I very clearly stated was a kickback? And then you tried to jerk me off to One of those lesbian shower scenes In Orange Is The New Black I was so hopeful when you finally said That you’d put on your favorite show and stop harassing me But then you clicked over to Fuller House And so I grabbed your stuff and threw you out immediately This night turned out to be a massive waste of my time Assault is bad enough but Fuller House is crossing the line I can’t believe that you would watch that kind of swill I’ll never have you over again to Netflix and chill I’ll give you thirteen reasons why, Netflix and chill I would rather watch Queer Eye, Netflix and chill I kind of hope you fucking die, Netflix and chill
Hello and welcome to McDonald’s, may I take your order I can’t hear you, please speak right into the speaker box Or roll your window down No I’m sorry sir, we don’t carry the Whopper That’s a different fast food restaurant I do apologize for the confusion Even though we’ve had the same menu since 1955 No, we don’t have the McRib So you want a chicken sandwich With a burger patty as a substitution for the chicken patty That’s just called a burger, we still don’t have the McRib No I’m sorry sir, we don’t take Wendy’s gift cards That’s another other place This is your third time asking about the McRib Please pull forward to the pay window Yes sir, you have to pay for this Your total comes to -- wait, I guess he drove away now This motherfucker right here This is customer service Thank you for calling Verizon, may I verify your password? No I can’t give you a hint This is a password you supposedly picked out It says here this is your eighth time calling in today Regarding something on your cell phone bill Ma’am it seems that someone on your family plan Downloaded forty-seven ringtones And went through your data stash Streaming Alec Baldwin’s podcast I’m not making accusations but our data doesn’t lie While I’ve got you on the line It seems you haven’t paid your bill in half a year I’m afraid that I can’t credit your account for all the ringtones But as a one time-courtesy I can offer a data bundle upgrade So you won’t get hit with overages on your next bill I’m sorry ma’am, yes, please hold for my supervisor How are you this fine evening? I hope that you’re in a good mood Thank you for picking me up It’s really cold out and this outfit doesn’t help Anyway, it’s fifty dollars for a blowjob But it’s extra if you want to cum in my mouth Which I figure that you might Yes sir, my ass is an option, that’s two hundred Provided you have protection and I don’t do ass to mouth I don’t care if Hector does it, everybody has their limits Just because I’m out here hooking Doesn’t mean that I’ll do anything for cash I’m not haggling with you Because I have to give my pimp a cut of whatever I make Well then you can go find Hector for all I care Or I’ll suck you off for sixty, I know I said fifty earlier But now it’s more ‘cause you’re an asshole It’s stupid that people in menial jobs Are forced to put up with garbage From the assholes they’re trying to help Just because you’ve got a Kate Gosselin haircut Doesn’t mean you have to ask for a manager Every time you leave the house Stop requesting shit we don’t have Stop chewing us out for shit we can’t control I’m getting a fucking office job So I never have to deal with you again
When she walks down the street she’s turning heads All the boys on the corner, they leer and heckle At her bright green eyes, all big and soulless And her body covered up with a bunch of freckles Every time she comes around everybody stares At her ivory complexion and monochrome lips But they can’t look right at her ‘cause her Irish tan Is gonna burn through their retinas like an eclipse She’s got the potential to get a little violent If you call her by the name that stems from Gilligan’s Island She’s a ginger, yes, she’s a ginger And when she comes along You know she’s gonna make the scene And everywhere she goes She’s just one big recessive gene She’s covered in sunscreen ‘cause she’s a ginger She could be a body double for Carrot Top Or maybe an assistant for a supermodel But she spends a lot of time being pissed about The girls who get their red hair from out of a bottle Now, she still gotta look her very best She’s got a clutch full of blush and a ton of mascara But she can’t put on too much or else She’s gonna look like David Bowie from the Ziggy era She’s mostly happy with her oranges and reds ‘Cause she’d look like the little mermaid If she cut off both her legs She’s a ginger, oh what a ginger And when she goes out on the town The guys can’t keep from flirtin’ Asking her ad nauseum if the carpet matches the curtains All they know for certain’s she’s a ginger Time for obligatory na na na na nas She carries an umbrella with her at all times She’s got the melanin levels of a sick albino Then she ends up getting sunburned anyway And if you ask her why, she’ll say, “Hell if I know” No doubt in her mind that she’s something special She’s the product of hereditary mutation But she’s living her life to the fullest because Her kind is gonna die out in a few generations Not all redheads are alike, they’re hard to pigeonhole But it’s still common knowledge That they’ll steal your fucking soul She’s a ginger, she’s quite a ginger She rarely goes out in the sun But when she does, she’s squintin’ She’s fun like the Mythbusters guys And weird like Tilda Swinton She’s a ginger, the biggest ginger And when she hits the floor You’re gonna notice every detail And every day she thanks the lord That she was born a female She’s really goddamn pale ‘cause she’s a ginger Some more obligatory na na na na na Perfunctory na na na na na Unnecessary na na na na nas
As you wander down the winding roads and passages of life You’ll learn so many lessons And you’ve got to value every single one But sometimes they can tend to be a little overwhelming And by the time you’ve learned them You’ll find that the mistake’s already done Don’t run while holding scissors Don’t prank call the police Don’t ever spend your hard-earned cash on Chainsmokers CDs Don’t get into a stranger’s car and don’t go sniffing glue But boys and girls all around the world There’s one thing you must do You gotta cup the balls, it’s really, really, really important Cup the balls, I’m talking ‘bout your mutual enjoyment Cup those balls, sometimes it’ll even get you employment It’s the perfect way to let your boyfriend know That you love him so Now, there are folks who’ll argue that fellatio’s enough They’ll say that with a handjob There’s no need to venture any further south But I propose that jerks and blows are much more satisfying The moment that you start to mind the stepchildren And put them in your mouth Just grab them like maracas while you’re playing with his flute They’re already in front of you and so there’s no commute And when you hold those precious jewels You’re basically his master And if you’re in a time crunch, it’ll make him cum way faster You need to cup the balls I swear that I’m not kidding about this Cup the balls, then he’ll understand How awesome your mouth is Cup those balls, it won’t be long before he starts howlin’ If you don’t understand why they’re worth the handful Well, here’s an example When you move into a new city And you’ve found yourself a home You gotta go and introduce yourself To the neighbors on your block Well, this is like a housewarming party With slightly fewer guests And instead of green bean casserole You’ve got testicles and cock You’ll never be complete until the moment that you’ve tried it If you get bored of one ball there’s another one beside it There’s nothing better in the world to quench his lustful fires Some guys say they don’t care for it, but they’re all fucking liars So please cup the balls I hope that you’ve been paying attention If you cup the balls, one day he’ll probably buy you a mansion Cup those balls, even lesbians have strap-on extensions If you ever want him at your beck and call You gotta cup the balls If you really want to understand it all You better get on the ball
Once there was a singer named Chris Brown And he smacked his pop star girlfriend in the face He said he didn’t do it but the pictures fucking prove it So he was charged with felony assault And he somehow got the girl he beat to plead his case She gave him lots of pity, made them both look pretty shitty Within a couple years we all disregarded what he’d done In fact, the next two garbage albums he crapped out Went straight to number one Forgive and forget, whatever will be will be Sometimes you have to just sit back And roll with the punches, quite literally Forgive and forget, that’s really all we can do Apparently that ass deserved a pass If Rihanna didn’t mind being black and blue Mel Gibson was an action movie star But he drank until his brain was on the fritz Derogatory comments he would shout between his vomits He said the Jews were to blame for every war And he even called a policewoman “Sugartits” That might seem complimentary If he’d still been in his twenties But since those cold remarks It seems the world has cleaned his slate Who cares about that vitriol When the prick might bring us Lethal Weapon eight? Forgive and forget, we’re giving him amnesty Even though making a film about killing Christ Is a pretty fucking rotten apology Forgive and forget, it’s water under the bridge ‘Cause homophobia and anti-Semitism Are a small price to pay for Hacksaw Ridge Kobe was a rapist, but he kept on dribbling Angelina is a superstar even though she fucked her sibling Paula Deen said the N-word and she barely got questioned While Elvis fingered preteens and he’s a goddamn legend Woody Allen married his daughter but no one would bust him R. Kelly pulled so much shit That I could write a song about just him Tom Edison got a museum after stealing every idea he had George Washington kept a bunch of slaves But now he’s still our country’s fucking dad Forgive and forget, we might as well let it go All the ugly molesters are serving time But it’s just fine when it’s James Franco Forgive and forget, let bygones be bygones We’re destined to forever have a memory lapse ‘Cause these people put the “con” in “icons” And fuck Gweneth Paltrow
CPA 03:46
Wake up, commute, clock in, compute Get up, audit, payroll, profit Hey, I been livin’ my life as a CPA Since way back in the day, earning my pay pushin’ papers I’m all up in them skyscrapers Helpin’ out people with their monetary capers I’m lending ends to my friends and earning them dividends Always accompany their companies Keeping track of the money they spend W-2, W-4, I-9, 1040, 1099-C, 1099-G, 1099 fuckin’ D to the IV Going through inventory and shareholder equity Just get me coffee and I’m off on an itemized deduction spree Keeping track of cash flow When I’m not playing golf with the CFO Pull it up on my Blackberry while I’m flirting with his secretary Auditors snorting every morning but I just ignore ‘em They’d be happy to cap me Because I do their job for ‘em, yeah Reconciling debits and credits and debits and credits I’m reconciling credits and debits and credits and debits I’m reconciling debits and credits and debits and credits Wake up, commute, clock in, compute Get up, audit, payroll, profit Master’s degree, AR, AP Free enterprise, expensive ties While y’all be sleeping, I’m bookkeeping, barely eating Completing presentations for the next team meeting Gotta be Microsoft Office Suite-ing Powerpoint and Excel, I run those mothers like hell Coworkers callin’ me up for advice Like I was Alexander Graham Bell Crunching numbers on my Dell, ten-keying by sense of smell Employee of the month, got covered parking At my whiteboard dry erase marking Business trips and stock tips, making ducks out of paper clips Only push one button Everything running off of macros and scripts Never ever gonna go into the red ‘Cause I’m always gonna wanna chill in the black Gotta get that revenue back even if the Roth IRA is wack Got a blazer with the elbow patch, laminated security badge 401K’s employer-funded Gotta keep my ass here in the Fortune 500 Wake up, commute, clock in, compute Get up, audit, payroll, profit Month-end, time crunch, drinking my lunch Liquid assets, office pool bets And I’m gonna mitigate a marketing meeting My cubicle location is covered in certifications and plaques Got an AM radio station playin’ to help me relax Got annotations and calculations on your income tax Even when I’m takin’ vacation I’ll send your loans in a fax I can print a million papers And shuffle them up, I’m a collator A general ledger coordinator And I don’t need any dumb red stapler I’m a bookkeeper, minesweeper Until I dance with the reaper Long as nobody finds out That you can download Quicken for cheaper Wake up, commute, clock in, compute Get up, audit, payroll, profit Statement account, got fresh amounts See you right here next fiscal year, yeah
2 Nrrdy 4 Me 05:15
I was wandering aimlessly around ComiCon The first time I saw you there in your cosplay You were basically naked except for your bubblegum hair I assumed you were from some kind of anime But since we’ve gotten together I can’t help but notice you’re a bit on the nerdy side And the more I’m around you, the sadder it gets And I’m starting to wish I had twelve-sided died And I’m tired of keeping track of all Your stupid goddamn fandoms And I’m tired of hearing all about How Thor is fucking handsome Even the inventor of Magic: The Gathering would agree That you’re way too nerdy for me You won’t shut up about which Doctor’s the best Or which Harry Potter house you’d get sorted into And when you’re on hour six of telling me why The Blob would defeat Juggernaut I just want to choke you Every time you call me the Mulder to your Scully I can’t help but think that you’re the worst And there’s no amount of persuasion on your part That will make me care whether Han shot first And I’m tired of trying to understand your D&D campaigning And I’m tired of your Bazinga shirts and live action roleplaying Even the asshole who rebooted Fantastic Four would agree That you’re way too nerdy for me When I asked you what you wanted us to be You said, “PC master race” When I told you that I belonged to you You responded, “All your base” When I wanted to be your hero You made me dress up like Spiderman When I wanted to go to a party with you I didn’t mean fucking LAN I won’t argue with you about whether Adam West Was a better Batman than Michael Keaton And no matter how many times you bring up his name I still don’t know a damn thing about Wil Wheaton And you can’t afford to go out ‘cause you’re constantly Buying Star Trek figures until you overdraft So we’re always forced to stay in and every night I’m stuck there watching you play World of Warcraft Or Minecraft, or reading about H.P. Lovecraft You write more fan letters to George R R Martin Than any sane person would allow And I’m pretty sure Benedict Cumberbatch Has a restraining order against you by now And I’m tired of Aragorn the brave and Legolas the archer And I’m tired of dressing up in drag and watching Rocky Horror And I’m tired of you explaining why Serenity was artful And I’m tired of ninjas versus pirates and DC versus Marvel Even Felicia Day and Enji Night would agree And maybe one day you’ll take off your Oculus Rift and see That you’re way too nerdy for me
We all have moments when we get down And there’s nothing that we can do Sometimes it almost seems as if the world gangs up on you It feels like an uphill battle, struggling just to be around But you gotta get back on your feet Don’t take this lying down Get up, then get back down and put your laptop on your lap Just get online and start to post some inspirational crap You can save the world with good intentions You don’t actually have to do anything Just like or share or mention ‘Cause we all can change for the better using minimal repairs You can save the world with hashtag thoughts and prayers Everyone will want to vote with you If you wear a certain color shirt They won’t know what they’re voting for But it probably doesn’t hurt And the soldiers fighting overseas Will return in massive groups If you add an Instagram filter That says, “Bring home our troops” Don’t wait, don’t hesitate to follow all the pointless trends You can start a revolution With all thirty-one of your Facebook friends You can save the world like a motherfucker Dump an ice bucket on your head ‘Cause donating is for suckers And we don’t need soapboxes When we’ve got computer chairs You can save the world with hashtag thoughts and prayers I remember when I was a kid It used to matter what we actually did Because the internet had not yet gone abuzz But then all the girls I’d met before Started posting the colors of the bras they wore And suddenly I was aware of what breast cancer was Yeah, breast cancer was cured because The women posted the color of their bras Remember when that happened? You can treat any virus even without a GED Find a post that’s anti-virus and type “amen” if you agree Yeah, you can save the world from greed and malice ‘Cause the government counts emojis When they get tired of counting ballots If you’re unawares of the current affairs You can help by not shaving your hairs But only in November, because otherwise nobody cares You can save the world with hashtag thoughts and I’m sure you’re helping with your thoughts and prayers You’re totally fixing stuff with thoughts and prayers Thank god for you and all your thoughts and prayers
Buddy, you’ve been hounding me for an eternity “When you gonna move in? When you gonna get married? When you gonna procreate, a bunch of nearsighted kids Running into shit all over the place?” Well, have I got news for you This little orgy of one is turning into an orgy of two And that’s the way it’s gonna stay until the day I die And there’s a simple fucking reason why We don’t wanna have any children Sing it, we don’t wanna have any children I can sleep in on the weekends I can take a nap in the afternoon for no reason Go ahead and tell me how I’m clearly missing out On all the screaming and getting peed on Zero is the number of times I’ve had to clean Marker off the walls or vomit off my shirt My songs might be my only legacy But at least I’ll never have to stop them from eating dirt We don’t wanna have any children Yeah, we don’t wanna have any children Hang on, you know what? I’m not done yet Traveling and bowling and going to the movies And buying electronics and throwing axes I can afford to do that stuff right now Instead of claiming a dependent on my goddamn taxes Two hundred twenty-six thousand dollars To raise a kid from birth to seventeen and a half That sounds a little bit steep Besides, do you know how many puppies I could buy with that? We don’t wanna have any children Sing it, you bastards We’re not gonna have any children I’m sorry that I called you bastards Please stop asking when we’re gonna have children Aw, one more time We don’t wanna have any children
Whup-cha Ha, I heard you been going all over town Talkin’ shit about me, tryin’ to put me down Now you know I ain’t about to let you run your mouth I’m gonna get my revenge, we gonna hash this out First, I’ll call you at all hours from a blocked phone line And if you answer, I’ll hang that shit up each time I’ll make vaguely insulting Facebook posts And I’ll leave a bunch of snarky-ass Post-It notes When I spit to you, you won’t understand it All my compliments are gonna be backhanded Like, “I love the way that you don’t Care about your appearance Ha, you’re really smart to buy your clothes on clearance” Like the Godfather, I’m gonna send you a message It’s a flaming bag of poop that I hope you’ll step in And yeah, I had to pick the poop up to put it in there But you just got punk’d, so who the fuck cares? I’m gonna make you sorry that you ever came around I’m gonna take your keys and push them off the table So they fall down to the ground I’m on you like white on rice ‘til you take your final breath It’s a passive aggressive rap battle Rap battle to the death Ha, I want to take down every one of your crew But they’re big and scary, so I’m’a stick with you Every time you look away, I’m gonna flip you the bird I’ll change your name in my phone to a curse word I’ll make a drawing of you with an ugly rash Then I’ll crumple it up and throw it right in the trash But when you step to me, don’t you think for a second That I’m not gonna pray that you get an infection, look out I’m creepin’ on you when I’m in my ride And I’m pretending not to see you when I’m passing by Gonna turn your AC down three degrees Now you’re stuck dealing with an annoying breeze And I know that you’re gonna be pissed all day When I turn your toilet paper roll the other way Yo, I told you, bitch, that’s what you get for messin’ Hopefully you’ll notice that I taught you a lesson You’re gonna end up wishing That you never knew my name I’ll leave an anonymous letter on your windshield ‘Cause this shit ain’t a game I’ll eat your chicken soup ‘til there isn’t any left It’s a passive aggressive rap battle Rap battle to the death When you least expect it I’m going to walk right up to you And when you ask me how it’s going I’ll say I’m doing fine And then instead of asking how you are I’ll turn and walk away And when you realize just how bad I burned you It’s going to blow your mind It’s going to blow your mind You wanna front with me? I’d like to see you try I’ll tell our mutual friends that you’re a stupid guy And then they’ll probably want to ask me way “Because you just are” is gonna be my reply, ha Why don’t you talk shit right to my face? I would respond, but I don’t feel like it’s my place If you wanna debate, I’m gonna be real subtle ‘Cause I’ll mumble under my breath for my rebuttal Or instead I’m gonna pout whenever I’m near you If you talk to me, I’ll act like I didn’t hear you I hope you know just who you’re fucking around with I’ll make friends with your parents And I’ll jack your accountant And last but not least, you’ve unleashed the beast I’ll unplug your iron so your slacks get creased That’s what I call getting served, motherfucker Shouldn’t ‘a gotten on my last nerve, motherfucker There’s nowhere left to hide, can’t mess with my resolve I’ll fuck up your whole life But not so much that you’ll know I was involved I’ll sit back and imagine that you got hooked on meth It’s a passive aggressive rap battle Rap battle to the death Whup-cha
Obsessed 03:42
It’s weird the way you’re always watching me I can tell because I see you Through the binoculars that I like to carry You’re always texting me, I don’t know why Just because I text you every thirty seconds Doesn’t mean you should reply I don’t see why I’m the one you’re passionate about You hounded me for stealing your hair And it kind of freaked me out Somehow you always know each little thing I do You’re so obsessed with me and my obsession with you It seems like you’re fixated all the time Like when you cut down the tree Outside your bathroom window that I used to climb You even hired a private investigator He snuck up on me as I looked Lor the receipt in your garbage later Your infatuation with me is out of control I see you rant about it every time I stare through your keyhole If I hadn’t glued us together, I bet you would have tried it too You’re so obsessed with me and my obsession with you And she says all sorts of stuff about me She’s always breaking my balls I know ‘cause I can hear her when I’m taping her phone calls You know, sometimes you can be such a creep I can barely touch my body pillow That looks like you when I fall asleep It got so bad I had to call the cops They said my restraining order will go into effect The moment yours stops I’m getting worried that you mean to cause me harm Thank god I paid that guy to sew a tracking chip into your arm I can’t believe you stole my journal Where I scribbled down your name the whole way through You always mess with me Please get undressed with me You get the best of me Those cops arrested me You’re so obsessed with me and my obsession with you My obsession with you
The world can be confusing and eternally strange And nothing’s weirder than the way our bodies all change But if you’re a female and you don’t have a clue Who better than a male singer-songwriter to enlighten you? It all starts when you turn about twelve or thirteen And blood begins gushing out of your lady-peen As your fallopian lining starts to wither and shed It makes you act like a dick and turns your underwear red Then your eggs get all antsy and symbolically shout For however many days until you poop them all out Then they replenish themselves in about half an hour And so your womanhood is coming And you probably need to go shower Oh, your changing body is no reason to be scared If you heed my legit explanation of it Then you’ll be well-prepared As time progresses through your period’s term You’ll start to have an unrelenting craving for sperm So you’ll find yourself a fella who’s chock full of it And put some on your ovaries and rub the rest on your clit That’s when a baby starts growing deep inside of your boobs And your embryotic fluid will seep into your shoes And like two years later you can crap the kid out And he’ll be carrying your eggs So you’ve got one less thing to worry about Oh, your changing body, it happens to everyone And as a guy who will never have to give any birth I know just how it’s done I’ve dedicated a whole semester To learning all about this stuff You know, there’s no need to thank me Just shutting up and listening is more than enough It’s beyond incredible to take in all these facts Like the plural of “labia” is also “labia” Just how crazy is that? Eventually a bunch of little kids have transpired And your vaginal period will start to get tired Your cervix and your vulva will switch back and forth And your nipples will get achy, always pointing due north And finally on your birthday when you turn forty-nine A Jackson Pollack painting will spray out of your ‘gine The men living in your uterus will be brutally killed And your ultimate destiny as a woman is completely fulfilled Oh, your changing body, you’ve probably got it wrong But even when your mons falls off At least you’ll have this song Oh, your changing body can cause so much ineptitude But now you’re aware Of exactly what you should prepare to expect All thanks to a dude, you’re welcome from a dude I mean me, I’m a dude I know it’s awfully crude but there’s no need to be rude
Hello elderly man riding topless on a bike Hello elderly man riding topless on a bike You’re seventy-four but you’re ripped And proud of what you look like So, hello elderly man riding topless on a bike Hello lady talking loudly on a Bluetooth on the treadmill Hello lady talking loudly on a Bluetooth on the treadmill If you don’t pretend you’re important right now, then nobody will Fuck off, lady talking loudly on a Bluetooth on the treadmill Hello dude showing off to his buddies with the weights Hello dude showing off to his buddies With the really heavy weights Good luck spending the rest of your life wearing a neck brace Sorry there, dude showing off to his buddies with the weights Hello old woman reading Fifty Shades Darker on the elliptical Hello old woman reading Fifty Shades Darker on the elliptical I don’t know for sure but I bet it’s frowned upon To play with your nipple But have a blast, old woman Reading Fifty Shades Darker on the elliptical Hello TV airing Harry Connick Jr on his talk show Hello TV airing Harry Connick Jr on his talk show Who the hell would watch something like that? I honestly don’t know I have no idea why Harry Connick Jr has a talk show Hello girl with a leotard on doing squats Hello girl with a leotard on doing squats If you’re not aware, the whole gym can see right up your twat You may want to consider changing or not doing squats There are so many interesting characters to see at the gym There’s a guy with a neck tattoo of Alf, I’m glad I’m not him There’s a chick with a stroller, her baby’s nowhere to be seen And somebody just threw up on the rowing machine Hello guy in the locker room blow-drying his balls Hello guy in the locker room blow-drying his balls You’re here every day But I don’t think I’ve ever seen you work out at all See you tomorrow, guy in the locker room Blow-drying his balls Goodbye former fat guy staring at me in the mirror Goodbye former fat guy staring at me in the mirror You’ve put in so much effort for the last couple years You’ve pushed yourself so hard that it could bring you to tears I think I’ll stop for pizza on the way home from here Hello again former fat guy staring at me in the mirror Good to see you again, former fat guy Staring at me in the mirror


released August 2, 2019


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Scott Gesser Phoenix, Arizona

I'm the guy who records all of this.

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