One, two, I do All my life I have been told That sustaining matrimony is the toughest thing to do But I’ve been married for a while And I’ve mostly just developed a conflicting point of view Like maybe being wed isn’t made for everyone But compared to being single it’s a hell of a lot more fun Oh no, I have somebody to help me pay my rent Marriage is hard Oh no, I’ll never get a fake phone number again Marriage is hard All my in-laws send me cards for my birthday And other than that they stay out of my life Very little else has changed Besides the fact that I get way more mileage Out of the word “wife” What a drag to have someone who makes me dinner And the ring I’ve got is basically a metal fidget spinner Oh no, I’m with someone who wants to take a nap Marriage is hard Oh no, I never deal with the people on dating apps Marriage is hard All these people sounding like a broken record All lamenting how their partner’s like a goddamn Disney villain But it seems to work out pretty well when you’re with someone On the same wavelength about religion, politics and children It’s almost like it was worth it not to sign a binding contract With the first person who wanted to see me naked To conform with societal standards to marry by a certain age So I’d be trapped inside a failure and have kids to try and save it Fuck that What a bummer it must be to be committed To a person who you actually kind of hate I can see the little jabs couples lobby at each other Every time we double date Just remember when you criticize the stupid shit they do You’re the one who picked them So that doesn’t say much for you Oh no, I guess I’m done pretending I’ve got game Marriage is hard Oh no, I can’t believe I have to share my last name Marriage is hard, so hard Oh no, someone to vent to when my work day sucks Marriage is hard Oh no, I’ve got a roommate who’s also down to fuck Marriage is hard, so hard

I’m in a state of emergency Because you’ve kept away from me And now it seems my love has been deterred It’s like you’re not entirely you With something kind of like the flu Ever since you ate that Chinese bird Your runny nose and gasping cough Might put some other people off But I don’t care what all of them might do I’d catch Coronavirus for you I’ll do whatever you might ask While putting on a tiny mask ‘Cause I would rather die than be alone I miss your smile, your sweet embrace Oh how I long to touch your face Though the CDC says I shouldn’t touch my own I’ll riot through the grocery store For toilet paper rolls galore And maybe grab a puzzle box or two ‘Cause I’d catch Coronavirus for you I’m not afraid of holding you ‘Cause I just bought a case of rubber gloves Now both of us have got a fever And the only cure for mine is love I know that you’ve been quarantined And there’s a line for a vaccine But I won’t let that ruin all our plans I’ll fly you all over the world And warn the nearby boys and girls That they should prob’ly stop and wash their hands And I know that you’ll look so cute Dressed in your little Hazmat suit My darling, you’re my everything To hell with social distancing If we’re stuck in the apocalypse Then you’re the one I’d face it with And even though you’re kind of gross, it’s true Well, I’d catch Coronavirus for you Yes, I’d catch Coronavirus for you

Carol seemed to be filled with self-pity Teri kept on asking for a rain check Rachel ran the KKK committee Alexandra's face was like a train wreck Tiffany was comatose and boring Courtney fell in love with her vibrator Allison would mark her territory The last time I saw Kim, someone was trying to assassinate her Kristy was a stalker who would tailgate Harriet tore through me like a tissue Jessica was nothing more than jailbait Carla had some immigration issue Gillian was charged with owl murder Amber, she was living in a palm tree Janet was a paraplegic burglar Lisa bought a dildo, but only so she could use it on me Joan was nothing but a coward Gretchen hardly ever showered Melissa fell asleep while at the wheel of a plane Candace sounded like a man Danielle lured kids into her van That one girl from the Hague was cute But I couldn't pronounce her fucking name Jill was always getting sexts from Tyrone Nancy was obsessed with drinking Monster Connie was as clever as a pine cone Marilyn, the FBI still wants her Katherine was eerily nocturnal Dana flat-out me, "I don't like you" Natalie wrote death threats in her journal Monique's name was the only thing about her that had an IQ Tonya made me dress up like a hobbit Kate had fourteen children to her knowledge Leslie idolized Lorena Bobbitt Marvin was a phase I had in college Wilhelmina was awaiting death row Emily would speak into a tin can Olivia was missing her left elbow Robin ran over my cat, then backed up and ran over him again Jennifer would cheat at Yahtzee Ellen was a legit Nazi Stephanie slept in a bathtub filled with crack cocaine I doubt I'll ever find a mate I'll just be left to masturbate The litany of girls I date are so fucked up I can't see straight Or maybe I'm the one who's gone insane

Friend, you’ve got to listen to me And soon you might realize That certain situations may be out of your hands You’ve got to understand I know that you’re jealous of The constant love and tenderness Your parents show your brother every day of the year They barely know you’re here But don’t beat yourself up There’s nothing you can do You can try and try and wear yourself thin To escape the situation you’re in But the simple truth is mom and dad Don’t care about you And it’s not your fault No, it’s not your fault You could do a million chores And marry someone young and wealthy If your brother coughs It gives your mom and dad more pleasure Since he’s their little treasure Murder might seem like the answer But don’t bother trying to kill him That’s no way to secure any parental success They’ll only like you less But don’t beat yourself up There’s nothing you can do You can wrestle with the perception of Being alienated by the people you love But the sad truth is that mom and dad Just don’t care about you Ever since you found out that There was a baby on the way You figured it would suck to share A portion of your DNA And sure enough, when he arrived Before you even learned to toddle You were left way in the dust Because your parents had the new model But don’t beat yourself up There’s nothing, nothing you can do You can vie for devotion as the best offspring But the shit you do, it won’t mean a damn thing ‘Cause the sad truth is that mom and dad Don’t give a fuck about you At least it’s probably not your fault

I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus And now my parents are getting a divorce And I thought that I saw Rudolph parading by my window But it turns out my drunk uncle glued some antlers to a horse I don’t mean to be some kind of Grinch But when the herald angels sing all I can do is cringe Fuck Christmas I went out to do a little bit of shopping But Wal-Mart was out of holly And I couldn’t deck the halls When I got home some carolers Came knock-knock-knocking I didn’t have figgy pudding so they kick me in the balls And my mistletoe was really poison sumac And three kings chased me down the street But they were all wearing do-rags On the twelfth day of Christmas My true love gave to me A scorching case of herpes, now my loins are mostly toxic And I tried so hard to rock around my Christmas tree But my kid left all his toys out And I slipped and broke my coccyx And the little drummer boy is now a man And for some ungodly reason He’s playing in a Nickelback cover band Aw, that’s fucking gross I left milk and cookies on a tray in my den But my cousin got the munchies And he came along and ate ‘em I bought tinsel and lights for the trees and the roof But my HOA says that I can’t decorate ‘em I almost wound up dead when I got run over by a sled Now I’ve got a bump on my head And I can’t seem to nurse it And I spent all week on my nativity scene And a half an hour later it was covered in bird shit

I saw you staring at me from across a crowded room Too far away to touch your skin or inhale your perfume The moment that we first locked eyes Sent shivers down my spine At least I really hoped your gaze was actually set on mine You pointed in my direction and I pointed at my shirt When you crooked your finger back your way I knew you were a flirt I floated through the room as my heart swelled up to my jaw And when I finally met you I couldn’t believe what I saw You’re cute from far away I’m going back across the room and that’s where I will stay Because you’re cute from far away I spent all that time eyeing you and wasted my whole day I know it’s not your fault that you appear the way you do But I’ve seen piles of cat shit that are prettier than you If I had known you looked this way I’d have bought a dozen roses To hide your lazy, bloodshot eye and all three of your noses Your cheeks all puffed up like a fish, your dirt-encrusted hair I don’t know how you looked so hot when I was over there Your brows drawn on with what appears to be a magic marker Now I don’t know whether I should call PETA or Bob Barker ‘Cause you’re cute from far away Your forehead’s covered up with cracks Like a hunk of dried out clay Somehow you’re cute from far away No, I’ve never met somebody with a case of ear decay But still you’re cute Your lips so filled with collagen they’re like a balloon You could pass for a caveman in a Far Side cartoon Your neck so loose and wrinkly like a turkey’s waddle For the life of me, I can’t comprehend When I was on the other end Of the room we’re in, you looked just like a motherfucking model Well, we live in such a crazy world where love can be so fleeting But in the case of you and I, it ended with us meeting It’s really quite a shame your face committed such a crime If it weren’t for proximity, I’d totally call you mine Another time, another place, it might be in the cards But here and now we’d have to be separated by ten yards So go and find somebody else to whom you’ll make your passes While you reel in another fool, I’m off to fix my glasses ‘Cause you’re cute from far away It seems as if you should be let outside to eat some hay Because you’re cute from far away We could totally start dating if you moved off to Bombay Dear lord, you’re cute from far away I’m gonna head back home now, you can sit, roll over, stay You’re fucking cute from far away But if you hang out here than I’ll have to call the ASPCA But still you’re cute from far away

Ten times I felt like I had to throw up And nine of those times I actually did Eight times I broke down sobbing for some reason But I have no idea what that reason is Seven is the number of bottles I broke Six times I yelled out the same dumb joke Five people had to hold me back When I tried four times to hook up with a coat rack Right around three AM I passed out in place And somebody drew two dicks on my face And I'd only had one beer It's the countdown of the last time I got drunk Yes, it's the countdown of the last time I got drunk Ten minutes after she walked out I left nine messages on her answering machine Then I went through eight boxes of Kleenex But I wasn't crying, if you know what I mean Seven times I showed up at her door And on my sixth try I called her a whore Five seconds later I said she'd regret it And her four year old nephew called me pathetic Then I went to have a three way with a couple of hoes But it turns out two of us were no-shows So I bought one adult movie instead It's the countdown of the last time I got dumped Yes, it's the countdown of the last time I got dumped Four verses seems like it might be too many Three verses works, though, I think that that's plenty Two of those verses are already done So now all that's left is to get through verse three Ten people in the audience And nine of them seem to be fidgeting about I've got eight minutes of material But everyone looks like they just want to get out There's seven different jokes about male genitalia And six times I wish I'd brought my weed paraphernalia I'd like a high five, but that ain't happenin' I'm four minutes in and there's nobody clappin' The other three comics are totally killing But I'm two decades in and I can't get top billing I'm going to watch that one porn I bought earlier It's the countdown of the last song that I'd sung Yes, it's the countdown of the last song that I'd sung It's the countdown Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, fuck

Who needs to go to clubs when you’ve got Trivial Pursuit? I’d rather just enjoy myself with Battleship and Clue There’s Candyland and Risk and Outburst, Jenga and Taboo And when we all get tired of those We’ll move on to Guess Who? We could take turns with Bop-It or just play Pictionary I’m all about some Cribbage or a game of Parcheesi Let’s go to 13 Dead End Drive or try Scattergories We’ve done some jigsaw puzzles but we ain’t done Puzz 3D I don’t need some Scrabble tiles to spell it out for me It won’t take twenty questions or an Ouija board to see Saturday night, I’m just too busy playing my game of Life To bother with those stumbling blocks like popularity I don’t need a date, I’m busy playing Perfection I just looked in my attic for a set of Backgammon I’m dominating Don’t Wake Daddy and Operation Who’s ready for Crossfire or a little Cranium? I don’t care if I don’t go out, just give me Tic-Tac-Toe I’d sooner try out Gator Golf or even Chicken Limbo Or whip out the old Twister board, or Uno or Stratego Another round of Balderdash or Hungry Hungry Hippos There’s Mouse Trap and Yahtzee and Simon and Sorry And Barrel Of Monkeys and Domino Rally There’s Bingo, Pinnacle, Pop-O-Matic Trouble And Hangman, Go Fish and Monopoly: Star Trek Edition If you think Boggle’s intense, then you’ve gotta try Upwords A few Connect Four tournaments And then some Chinese Checkers I’ll dust off my Mancala board While you guys play some Wordsters And then we’ll finish off the night With a game of Chutes And Ladders

A is for All the crazy times we’ve had together B is Before when I thought we’d stay that way forever C is the way I Cared so much about you And D is for Damage ‘cause you ripped my heart in two E is the Electro-shock therapy that I’ve gotten ever since F is your Face, the thought of which now makes me wince G is your Garbage, which I sleep in every night And H is the Hospital where the doctors and I fight I suppose it’s true that I’m just not the same Without you, I’ve only got myself to blame And all these fools tell me that I’ve gone insane But can’t you see what being with you means to me? I love you from A to Z I is the Idea that I know that I can’t win J is the Jacket that the doctors strapped me in K is for Kindness of which I’ve been deprived And L are the Lawyers who all seem to be on your side M is the Monster who I’ve seen chewing on my palms And N is the Nitrous oxide that helps keep me calm O are the Operations that seem to leave me floored And P are the Pain killers that I eat when I get bored Q is the Quiet I put up with constantly And R is the Restraining order that you put on me Oh yeah, yeah, shamon S is the Subpoena that I just got in the mail T is the Trauma and the threat that I’ll go to jail U are the Ulcers which have left me for dead And V are the Voices that yell stuff inside my head W is my Wish for vengeance on your family And X are the X-rays that the doctors took of me Y is for Yanking all the clothes off of my back Don’t know what Z is for But, hey, the room is going black I love you from A to Z Don’t send the SWAT team after me Oh look, there’s a unicorn on my knee

Children are starving everywhere There’s trash in the water and smoke in the air We’re down to the last of the polar bears And also my iPhone sucks All over the world there are battles and wars Enslaving and raping of underage whores Nobody recalls what the ozone is for And also my iPhone sucks There’s pestilence and poverty and misery and greed But sometimes mobile web won’t even run at 5G speed While terrorism reigns the UN does nothing to help And occasionally my iPhone does this weird thing Where it resets by itself The third world countries all fending off death They’re sick and malnourished down to their last breath Our parents are crackheads, our kids are on meth And also my iPhone sucks My iPhone just really sucks It cost like a thousand bucks The only thing that matters in this world Is that my iPhone sucks Get a Droid

This year has been all right, I guess This year was busy and just a little strange Each year I just hope for the best But this year is ending, and it’s time to make a change Some people want to lose some weight And others try to quit smoking, uh huh That’s not the way that I evolve And when it’s time that I resolve I only want to do one thing I want to eat more pussy over the course of next year I want to eat more pussy, I’d be grinning ear to ear If I could eat more pussy I’d be the talk of the town And I would be the answer When the question is, “What’s going down?” This year was mostly just a blur This year was spent between those lows and those highs But next year I’ll put my tongue to work And I’ll spend all my time between somebody’s thighs I’ll never wear a hat again With all those legs astride my head, uh huh Whether from behind or right in front As long as it’s not that time of the month ‘Cause man, would my face be red I want to eat more pussy ‘cause I can’t get enough I want to eat more pussy, plus it’s kosher and stuff If I could eat more pussy, I would never ignore it I’d be down there so long that I could fill out a W-2 for it Yes, I could spend all year just licking vaginas I’d spend more time in those caves than some Chilean miners All you Catholics and Jews, all you Muslims and Mormons I’ll get your bedspreads wetter than post-Katrina New Orleans Every time you look down, you’ll see my face in your lap I’ll pap smear you so long that you’ll run out of pap And if you find my persona to be a bit out of place Personality is important but you can’t ride its face I want to eat more pussy for as long as it’s wet I want to eat more pussy so I can practice the alphabet If I could eat more pussy then that’s all I’d ever need And it’d finally be a very, very, very, very, very, very Happy new year indeed Happy new year to me, oh I’d like to point out that nowhere in this song Did I say anything about a mustache ride You know why? Because I like to keep it classy That’s why

You were so beautiful, your eyes shone like the moonlight You looked almost electric, your skin so soft and pure Your hips, they curved in such a sexy way then But then you fucked it all up and no one wants you anymore Why'd you have to go and have a baby? Now everybody looks at you with nothing but chagrin Your pussy was so perfect but you turned the whole thing out Now all that I can do is mourn what could have been In your bag you once kept condoms and makeup Now there's milk and some diapers, what a fantastic trade You've got khakis to cover up the stretch marks Better keep the pill on hand the next time you get laid Seriously, why'd you have a baby? There's nothing sexy about crying or spit It's kind of a mood killer when you have to deal with poop But good luck getting lucky now with your fucking kid Your stupid fucking kid

Mayor Giles, tryin’ hard to turn the tables Mayor Giles, tryin’ to keep that city stable You know that I love you, you don’t even have to ask I wrote this song for you because you made us wear a mask The governor’s supposed to keep the town shut But he’s got his nose up the president’s butt Turning into the Hunger Games As he stomps the Phoenix back down into the flames But you won’t give up, no Gotta take it upon yourself to uphold The people getting a fair shot at getting old Mayor Giles, presiding over Mesa Mayor Giles, I’d like to buy you a cerveza You’ve got me rushing to the polls But then I remembered that I vote from home, whoops The governor’s sitting on his thumb Repeating “mask up” ad nauseum But he can’t get it through his head The economy doesn’t work when everybody’s dead While he sticks to his photo op You made the mandate he would not Now let’s sit back and watch them cases drop Mayor Giles The governor’s a pile of burning trash The equivalent of a week-long rash I’d like to smack him in the face And put you up in the office in his place Don’t care if I’m lickin’ your boot While you’re standing proudly in your suit ‘Cause from the right angle you’re kind of cute Mayor Giles, you know that I adore you Mayor Giles, I’m gonna cast my ballot for you Mayor Giles, Mayor Giles

If you dress like you're a Veteran but actually you're not Then please fuck off and die If the only thing you talk about is how much you smoke pot Then please fuck off and die If you're an adult Caucasian male Who's growing out dreadlocks If your go-to karaoke song is "Picture" by Kid Rock If your write-in candidate is just a drawing of a cock Then please fuck off and die, fuck off and die If taking up three parking spots is your idea of fun Then please fuck off and die If you think McDonald's being bad is news to anyone Then please fuck off and die If you use a public toilet and you don't bother to flush If you brush your teeth and brush your hair But only use one brush If you're at somebody's funeral And you're playing Candy Crush Then please fuck off and die Fuck off and die, I'm not being wry If you think that I'll change my mind then you must be high Just die, you could at least try Everybody would be better off if you would fuck off and die If you're at Guitar Center playing "Stairway To Heaven" If your very favorite hobby's finding children to abduct If the only friend you've ever made is an AK-47 If the reason you hate Hitler is because his paintings sucked If you drive without your seatbelt ‘Cause you don't like how it feels Then please fuck off and die If you voted Donald Trump 'cause you relate to his ideals Then seriously, fuck off and die If your blog is all about how you won't vaccinate your kids If the domain for the website that you built ends with "dot biz" If you say that you hate gluten But you don't know what gluten is Then please fuck off and die Fuck off and die, I wish you'd comply I hope that you get murdered by that El Chapo guy Just die, you know damn well why I'll wish and pray for all my days That you get cancer of the AIDS Or get left stranded on the moon Or get sat on by Mama June As long as by the end of it The life's completely drained from your eye, oh yeah So please, pretty fucking please fuck off and die

It’s almost lunchtime, getting hungry I’ll kill my parents if I don’t eat something I bang my spoon against the tablecloth Craving something slightly heavier than broth Salmon, haddock, clam and corn I’m getting more into it than Asian porn Hurry the fuck up and bring me a bowl Gotta cram my favorite food into my cramming hole Open wide, it’s time for chowder Chunky soup with cream and powder Nothing’s ever made me prouder Than your thick, nasty chowder Jambalaya’s not a chowder Lobster bisque, is that a chowder? Who gives a shit? Just say it louder Louder, chowder, louder, chowder Everybody loves chowder I love chowder ‘cause I think it’s mad fun I’d shoot the Pope if it meant I could have some Don’t need to chew it and strain my molar If chowder were a city, I’d be the comptroller All up in my sinuses, pasty and gooey I guess that explains why I sound so Jewy Almost running out so I’d better get more Fighting off motherfuckers at the grocery store And sometimes at night when the working day is done We slip into the sheets And my chowder and I become one, oh yeah I’m trying to say me and my chowder have sex

In the middle of the night I lie awake in bed While so many thoughts are rushing through my head Oh yeah And I'll ponder the conveniences that I have been given And there’s one thing that I'll think of now and then Oh yeah See there’s a little place that you can go to anytime You can buy anything and it’ll barely cost a dime You’ll find varieties of most any merchandise Whether it’s Tylenol or a twelve-pound bag of ice I love you Circle K I hope you never go away If it starts to bug me when I can’t get any sleep Then I’ll drive down there and buy some NyQuil cheap Oh yeah And I don’t need to make another pit stop at Safeway ‘Cause I can snag my cereal for the next day Oh yeah I’ll get some Cracker Jacks and some Listerine strips too And a 24-pack of Sprite or Mountain Dew They sell deodorant and a bunch of travel soaps And I could even buy a month’s worth of horoscopes I love you Circle K I hope you’re always here to stay In case I’m craving a Milky Way Cheesy solo, all right And that’s the end of the cheesy solo I’ve been there a million times Over the course of just a year And every time I go I get the same cross-eyed gaze from the cashier If I want to drink some blue stuff Circle K’s the only market If only they sold some name-brand clothes They’d be as good as Target So each night I thank the lord for giving me a spot Where the roller grill is always piping hot Oh yeah And I know that Circle K will always do the trick If I need to buy a burner phone real quick Oh yeah I can fill up my car with unleaded gasoline And while I’m waiting I can read a real estate magazine You can go there day or night ‘Cause they’re open ‘round the clock And it’s never far away They’re on every other block I love you Circle K You’re taking over the USA Well, the southwest region anyway I need to drop by you today

How come every time somebody gives you a blowjob As soon as they finish, they want to give you a kiss? How come you can dab and dab and dab with toilet paper But when you zip your pants up, you’re still dribbling piss? How come when you finally get over your insomnia The asshole stuck behind you has to lay on his horn? And how come when you let somebody use your computer The last thing you looked at is always tentacle porn? How come the rain slowly falls? How come a night can go so well But still end with blue balls? And how come the sky is blue? And how come How come I don’t have you? How come when you’re in the ten-items-or-less lane There’s an idiot in front of you who couldn’t read the sign? How come the only time I ever get picked out of a crowd Is when I’m in a police lineup for a horrible crime? How come when you finally meet somebody who’s beautiful It’s on a day that you forgot to bring your chloroform rags? And how come the Eskimos have a hundred words for “snow” But I can’t a decent way to say “I have crabs”? How come the birds always sing? How come you never get into my butterfly fuck swing? And how come the clouds are gray? And how come How come you’ve gone away? There are so many mysteries That haven’t been put to rest Like why you always close the blinds Before you get undressed How come getting tasered Sometimes only hurts your pride? And how come voodoo never works At least not when I’ve tried? How come you say things to me like “Get away, loser” When you clearly wanted me to follow you across the border? How come there seems to be a barrier between us? At least that’s what I’m getting out of this restraining order How come the leaves are all green? And “fifty yards or greater” Tell me, what does that really mean? I guess that it must be true But how come How come I can’t have you? And how come hookers are so expensive?