I was wandering aimlessly around ComiCon
The first time I saw you there in your cosplay
You were basically naked except for your bubblegum hair
I assumed you were from some kind of anime
But since we’ve gotten together
I can’t help but notice you’re a bit on the nerdy side
And the more I’m around you, the sadder it gets
And I’m starting to wish I had twelve-sided died

And I’m tired of keeping track of all
Your stupid goddamn fandoms
And I’m tired of hearing all about
How Thor is fucking handsome
Even the inventor of Magic: The Gathering would agree
That you’re way too nerdy for me

You won’t shut up about which Doctor’s the best
Or which Harry Potter house you’d get sorted into
And when you’re on hour six of telling me why
The Blob would defeat Juggernaut I just want to choke you
Every time you call me the Mulder to your Scully
I can’t help but think that you’re the worst
And there’s no amount of persuasion on your part
That will make me care whether Han shot first

And I’m tired of trying to understand your D&D campaigning
And I’m tired of your Bazinga shirts and live action roleplaying
Even the asshole who rebooted Fantastic Four would agree
That you’re way too nerdy for me

When I asked you what you wanted us to be
You said, “PC master race”
When I told you that I belonged to you
You responded, “All your base”
When I wanted to be your hero
You made me dress up like Spiderman
When I wanted to go to a party with you
I didn’t mean fucking LAN

I won’t argue with you about whether Adam West
Was a better Batman than Michael Keaton
And no matter how many times you bring up his name
I still don’t know a damn thing about Wil Wheaton
And you can’t afford to go out ‘cause you’re constantly
Buying Star Trek figures until you overdraft
So we’re always forced to stay in and every night
I’m stuck there watching you play World of Warcraft
Or Minecraft, or reading about H.P. Lovecraft
You write more fan letters to George R R Martin
Than any sane person would allow
And I’m pretty sure Benedict Cumberbatch
Has a restraining order against you by now

And I’m tired of Aragorn the brave and Legolas the archer
And I’m tired of dressing up in drag and watching Rocky Horror
And I’m tired of you explaining why Serenity was artful
And I’m tired of ninjas versus pirates and DC versus Marvel
Even Felicia Day and Enji Night would agree
And maybe one day you’ll take off your Oculus Rift and see
That you’re way too nerdy for me