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41 Bad Relationships

from Revolter by Scott Gesser

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lyrics

Carol seemed to be filled with self-pity
Teri kept on asking for a rain check
Rachel ran the KKK committee
Alexandra's face was like a train wreck
Tiffany was comatose and boring
Courtney fell in love with her vibrator
Allison would mark her territory
The last time I saw Kim, someone was trying to assassinate her

Kristy was a stalker who would tailgate
Harriet tore through me like a tissue
Jessica was nothing more than jailbait
Carla had some immigration issue
Gillian was charged with owl murder
Amber, she was living in a palm tree
Janet was a paraplegic burglar
Lisa bought a dildo, but only so she could use it on me

Joan was nothing but a coward
Gretchen hardly ever showered
Melissa fell asleep while at the wheel of a plane
Candace sounded like a man
Danielle lured kids into her van
That one girl from the Hague was cute
But I couldn't pronounce her fucking name

Jill was always getting sexts from Tyrone
Nancy was obsessed with drinking Monster
Connie was as clever as a pine cone
Marilyn, the FBI still wants her
Katherine was eerily nocturnal
Dana flat-out me, "I don't like you"
Natalie wrote death threats in her journal
Monique's name was the only thing about her that had an IQ

Tonya made me dress up like a hobbit
Kate had fourteen children to her knowledge
Leslie idolized Lorena Bobbitt
Marvin was a phase I had in college
Wilhelmina was awaiting death row
Emily would speak into a tin can
Olivia was missing her left elbow
Robin ran over my cat, then backed up and ran over him again

Jennifer would cheat at Yahtzee
Ellen was a legit Nazi
Stephanie slept in a bathtub filled with crack cocaine
I doubt I'll ever find a mate
I'll just be left to masturbate
The litany of girls I date are so fucked up I can't see straight
Or maybe I'm the one who's gone insane

credits

from Revolter, released January 7, 2022

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Scott Gesser Phoenix, Arizona

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