Captain Cockblock | Scott Gesser

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Captain Cockblock

from Orgy Of One by Scott Gesser

	/

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lyrics

I'm at a party late one night, a lady on my lap
She asks me to lay down with her but she doesn't want a nap
She leads me into a bedroom
Limbs akimbo, clothes are strewn
That's when you come walking in
Sit down and tell me how you've been

Captain Cockblock
You're getting on everyone's nerves
Captain Cockblock
You're the superhero no one deserves

I'm at a bar and spot some girls, one looks at me and winks
I saunter over to their group and buy a round of drinks
Their feet all brush against my thighs
And they're giving me these "fuck me" eyes
And suddenly there you are, trying to ask me about
How my pending murder trial's working out

Captain Cockblock
It's almost like you've got a Spidey sense
Captain Cockblock
But it's no wonder you don't have any friends

It's like every time I'm trying to hook up
You get this sociopathic idea
That it would be hilarious to tell the girl I'm with
That I have gonorrhea
I wish that I could find your kryptonite
'Cause it's not a desire to be well-liked
Hell, it doesn't even seem to frustrate you
That even Deadpool wouldn't date you

Some superheroes have a gift, and others have a curse
It seems the only thing you have is a bad case of Asperger's
You won't allow me to touch a pair of tits
And just forget about friends with benefits
Can you not recognize that she's on her knees
So you just start farting 'til everyone leaves?

Captain Cockblock
You're nothing short of embarrassing
Captain Cockblock
You make Aquaman seem important by comparison

For the love of all that's holy, please leave us alone
This is just a living room, not a combat zone
Stop trying to show us cat videos on your phone
If I wanted to watch them I would have done that at home
And now I'm trying to figure out your origin story
That led to your fight against the flirtatious and horny
Maybe in your own mind, you're out there fighting for glory
But you're the kind of guy who'd really put the brakes on an orgy
When you walk into a strip club or a bachelor pad
Does it remind you of your parents getting shot or stabbed?
What is it about folks coupling that
Makes you want to ruin the moment so fucking bad?

Captain Cockblock
You're hopelessly annoying and rude
I was this close to slinging some webs with my date
Now I'm stuck in my Fortress of Solitude
Captain Cockblock

credits

from Orgy Of One, released November 3, 2017

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Scott Gesser Phoenix, Arizona

I'm the guy who records all of this.

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