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lyrics

Wake up, commute, clock in, compute
Get up, audit, payroll, profit

Hey, I been livin’ my life as a CPA
Since way back in the day, earning my pay pushin’ papers
I’m all up in them skyscrapers
Helpin’ out people with their monetary capers
I’m lending ends to my friends and earning them dividends
Always accompany their companies
Keeping track of the money they spend
W-2, W-4, I-9, 1040, 1099-C, 1099-G, 1099 fuckin’ D to the IV
Going through inventory and shareholder equity
Just get me coffee and I’m off on an itemized deduction spree
Keeping track of cash flow
When I’m not playing golf with the CFO
Pull it up on my Blackberry while I’m flirting with his secretary
Auditors snorting every morning but I just ignore ‘em
They’d be happy to cap me
Because I do their job for ‘em, yeah

Reconciling debits and credits and debits and credits
I’m reconciling credits and debits and credits and debits
I’m reconciling debits and credits and debits and credits

Wake up, commute, clock in, compute
Get up, audit, payroll, profit
Master’s degree, AR, AP
Free enterprise, expensive ties

While y’all be sleeping, I’m bookkeeping, barely eating
Completing presentations for the next team meeting
Gotta be Microsoft Office Suite-ing
Powerpoint and Excel, I run those mothers like hell
Coworkers callin’ me up for advice
Like I was Alexander Graham Bell
Crunching numbers on my Dell, ten-keying by sense of smell
Employee of the month, got covered parking
At my whiteboard dry erase marking
Business trips and stock tips, making ducks out of paper clips
Only push one button
Everything running off of macros and scripts
Never ever gonna go into the red
‘Cause I’m always gonna wanna chill in the black
Gotta get that revenue back even if the Roth IRA is wack
Got a blazer with the elbow patch, laminated security badge
401K’s employer-funded
Gotta keep my ass here in the Fortune 500

Wake up, commute, clock in, compute
Get up, audit, payroll, profit
Month-end, time crunch, drinking my lunch
Liquid assets, office pool bets

And I’m gonna mitigate a marketing meeting

My cubicle location is covered in certifications and plaques
Got an AM radio station playin’ to help me relax
Got annotations and calculations on your income tax
Even when I’m takin’ vacation I’ll send your loans in a fax
I can print a million papers
And shuffle them up, I’m a collator
A general ledger coordinator
And I don’t need any dumb red stapler
I’m a bookkeeper, minesweeper
Until I dance with the reaper
Long as nobody finds out
That you can download Quicken for cheaper

Wake up, commute, clock in, compute
Get up, audit, payroll, profit
Statement account, got fresh amounts
See you right here next fiscal year, yeah

credits

from Chosen People Adjacent, released August 2, 2019

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Scott Gesser Phoenix, Arizona

I'm the guy who records all of this.

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