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Customer Service

from Chosen People Adjacent by Scott Gesser

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lyrics

Hello and welcome to McDonald’s, may I take your order
I can’t hear you, please speak right into the speaker box
Or roll your window down
No I’m sorry sir, we don’t carry the Whopper
That’s a different fast food restaurant
I do apologize for the confusion
Even though we’ve had the same menu since 1955
No, we don’t have the McRib
So you want a chicken sandwich
With a burger patty as a substitution for the chicken patty
That’s just called a burger, we still don’t have the McRib
No I’m sorry sir, we don’t take Wendy’s gift cards
That’s another other place
This is your third time asking about the McRib
Please pull forward to the pay window
Yes sir, you have to pay for this
Your total comes to -- wait, I guess he drove away now

This motherfucker right here
This is customer service

Thank you for calling Verizon, may I verify your password?
No I can’t give you a hint
This is a password you supposedly picked out
It says here this is your eighth time calling in today
Regarding something on your cell phone bill
Ma’am it seems that someone on your family plan
Downloaded forty-seven ringtones
And went through your data stash
Streaming Alec Baldwin’s podcast
I’m not making accusations but our data doesn’t lie
While I’ve got you on the line
It seems you haven’t paid your bill in half a year
I’m afraid that I can’t credit your account for all the ringtones
But as a one time-courtesy I can offer a data bundle upgrade
So you won’t get hit with overages on your next bill
I’m sorry ma’am, yes, please hold for my supervisor

How are you this fine evening?
I hope that you’re in a good mood
Thank you for picking me up
It’s really cold out and this outfit doesn’t help
Anyway, it’s fifty dollars for a blowjob
But it’s extra if you want to cum in my mouth
Which I figure that you might
Yes sir, my ass is an option, that’s two hundred
Provided you have protection and I don’t do ass to mouth
I don’t care if Hector does it, everybody has their limits
Just because I’m out here hooking
Doesn’t mean that I’ll do anything for cash
I’m not haggling with you
Because I have to give my pimp a cut of whatever I make
Well then you can go find Hector for all I care
Or I’ll suck you off for sixty, I know I said fifty earlier
But now it’s more ‘cause you’re an asshole

It’s stupid that people in menial jobs
Are forced to put up with garbage
From the assholes they’re trying to help
Just because you’ve got a Kate Gosselin haircut
Doesn’t mean you have to ask for a manager
Every time you leave the house
Stop requesting shit we don’t have
Stop chewing us out for shit we can’t control
I’m getting a fucking office job
So I never have to deal with you again

credits

from Chosen People Adjacent, released August 2, 2019

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Scott Gesser Phoenix, Arizona

I'm the guy who records all of this.

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