People tell me all the time that they can't stand dating
Putting themselves on the line just gets too frustrating
It isn't difficult to tell what they've all been hating
They say folks beside themselves are too complicated
But hopefully I can clear some things up
For the greater good of coupling up
Yes, I can help men and women relate
When you're out on a date I'll translate

Here goes
When a man says you look nice
It means he'd like to fuck you
And when a man asks about your job
Tt means he'd like to fuck you more
When a man says he's hungry
Chances are he wants you to sit on his face
And when a man asks about your family
He's thinkin' that you should come back to his place

See, I've trained for this moment for most of my life
No, I don't have a girlfriend and definitely not a wife
But I've always been an innovator
And that's the way that I became the dater translator

This one's for the boys now
When a woman says she's fine
It means she's pissed off at you
And when a woman says that you smell good
She's impressed that you don't smell like farts
When a woman says that all she wants
Is a guy who can make her laugh a lot
What she's trying to say is you should make her laugh
But you also better be really hot

Since nothing's more dreadful than being alone
I've been assisting with hookups
In lieu of having one of my own
But I don't mind being a spectator
It's more or less why I became the dater translator

Pleasing a woman is not all that hard
As long as you've got an AmEx card
A man's heart may be through his stomach
But his penis makes an awesome shortcut

You could call it gender bias
The proof is in the pudding and the pudding's how right it is
For women the best things always come in twos
Like a pair of Gucci shoes
Men want things to happen in threes
Like a threesome with your really cute friend Denise
You don't need Columbo to unravel this mystery
All you need is me

One more time now
When a man says the word "the" he's picturing you naked
When a woman says she's into you
It's only 'cause you haven't screwed up yet
And when a woman says she likes your friends
She would like them much more if they were gone
And when a man asks you about politics
It means you've already fucked and he's moved on

Well, I hope that these tips have been helpful to you
I make Cupid look more like Mike Myers in The Love Guru
I am basically an instigator
Just digging through the dirt like an excavator
A professional Friday night masturbator
With a super special claim to fame
The dater translator