Dear Scott, I'm writing to you from the seventh grade
For an assignment that our teacher made everyone do today
I'm excited for the future, it's going to be great
Dear Scott, I'm doing well in school but math is hard
I'd rather go outside and play on the swings
Or Magic The Gathering
Do you ever get to play with your collection or cards?
Dear Scott, you and I both know you just play by yourself
That's why in eighth grade I threw out all those cards
And math isn't hard
Because I use a calculator just like everyone else

You can be anything you want to be
I'm an accountant
You can see everything you want to see
I once hit the mountains
And by that I mean I did my laundry
Golly gee, the future's looking bright for me

Dear Scott, I've got the biggest crush on Lauren Brock
She's got to be the cutest girl in school
She's so pretty and cool
Did you ever ask her out or walk her down to the dock?
Dear Scott, no, I never went out with Lauren Brock
I was too busy getting shoved in the halls
Sometimes kicked in the balls
And getting stuffed into my locker and then having it locked

You can eat at the finest restaurants
I just bought a Slurpee
You can date any woman that you want
My ex gave me herpes
And then backed my Hyundai into a tree
Golly gee, the future's looking bright for me

In the future, are we still taking family pictures?
No, dad went in for surgery and now he goes by "Cheryl"
Did mom and dad ever give you a little baby sister?
No, mom went off the deep end
When she found out dad was sterile
Do you still catch lightning bugs?
No, but I'm mostly coping
Do you still say no to drugs?
I'm assuming you're joking
I wish that I could be a grown-up
'Cause I'm sick and tired of waiting
Well, the road to adulthood is paved with masturbating
The future's going to be so fu…cking waste of time

Dear Scott, I often dream of what the future is like
Do they have apartments that reach up to the stars?
Do they have flying cars?
I can't wait to drive around instead of riding my bike
Dear Scott, the future hasn't really changed a whole lot
My car was repossessed for failure to pay
And oh, by the way
I sold that bike for thirty bucks so I could buy pot

I bet you probably grew up to be tall
No, but I have man-boobs
And you get to drive yourself to the mall
I'm browsing PornTube
Or sometimes I'll watch The Mighty Ducks 3
Golly gee, you can do anything you want to do
TV dinner for one
And your weekends all belong to you
Where'd I put that shotgun?
How amazing my existence will be
Golly gee, the future's looking bright for me, for me