Come on in and sit down on the living room sofa
You gotta listen to the shit that I'm gonna go over
Stop kicking your sister, quit shoving your brother
It's time to talk about what's up between me and your mother
You may have noticed that she doesn't come home at night
And when she's actually here, the bitch and I just fight
And now it's looking like our marriage has taken its course
So we're doing a trial separation that could end in divorce
Now this has nothing to do with how we feel about y'all
But she be spendin' all my cheddar, always breakin' my balls
She always stayin' out late, which is cause for alarm
And she's had more cock in her than a fucking farm
She's gonna try to tell you lies like she ain't ballin' other guys
But don't be fallin' for her not-a-cum-slut disguise
Now, I get partial custody of you two little freaks
So I'm'a pick you up from soccer practice every third week

There's so much drama in the world today
It's so hard to elucidate all of this crap
But rhythmic explanation takes the sting away
So I'm delivering bad news through rap

Yo, you've been with the company for so many years
You moved your family across the country
So that you could work here
And as much as we appreciate the job that you do
Unfortunately in a month we gonna downsize you
See, them white collar ballas in the IT division
Built a program that does everything you do in your position
They got bored with that Visual Basic shit
So they opened up MySQL and they made some shit
But don't you worry if can't get a job right away
'Cause we be hookin' you up with that severance pay
Motherfuckas gonna shit when they see your LinkedIn
They be all, "Look at that cracka, he doin' medium pimpin'!"
Now you can holla at your boy if you need a referral
But we'll be slow to respond like a corporate turtle
And if you really get desperate, well then I'll tell you what
You can go get yourself outsourced to India

Hey, what up shorty? It's your boy from the club
I know that it's been a while since I gave you some love
And I was flippin' through the contacts loaded up in my phone
And I thought that I would just call you up to see if you're home
And, hey, as long as I've got you on the line with me
You should probably know that I've got an STD
I think I got it from this ho' down on 3rd and Van Buren
But I only just now noticed the blood in my urine
When I saw them little bumps start to grow on my dick
I took my ass to the clinic 'cause I knew I was sick
And the doctor said he never seen this shit before
He be like, "Your mothafuckin' sores got mothafuckin' sores”
So I just figured I would call you up and let you know
That you best get tested and…um…hello?
I can't believe that bitch hung up on me
Well, she'll figure that shit out eventually, uh

Hey, yo, I'm tired of singing this song