Fuck Christmas | Scott Gesser

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Fuck Christmas

from Revolter by Scott Gesser

	/

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lyrics

I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus
And now my parents are getting a divorce
And I thought that I saw Rudolph parading by my window
But it turns out my drunk uncle glued some antlers to a horse
I don’t mean to be some kind of Grinch
But when the herald angels sing all I can do is cringe

Fuck Christmas

I went out to do a little bit of shopping
But Wal-Mart was out of holly
And I couldn’t deck the halls
When I got home some carolers
Came knock-knock-knocking
I didn’t have figgy pudding so they kick me in the balls
And my mistletoe was really poison sumac
And three kings chased me down the street
But they were all wearing do-rags

On the twelfth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
A scorching case of herpes, now my loins are mostly toxic
And I tried so hard to rock around my Christmas tree
But my kid left all his toys out
And I slipped and broke my coccyx
And the little drummer boy is now a man
And for some ungodly reason
He’s playing in a Nickelback cover band
Aw, that’s fucking gross

I left milk and cookies on a tray in my den
But my cousin got the munchies
And he came along and ate ‘em
I bought tinsel and lights for the trees and the roof
But my HOA says that I can’t decorate ‘em
I almost wound up dead when I got run over by a sled
Now I’ve got a bump on my head
And I can’t seem to nurse it
And I spent all week on my nativity scene
And a half an hour later it was covered in bird shit

credits

from Revolter, released January 7, 2022

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Scott Gesser Phoenix, Arizona

I'm the guy who records all of this.

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