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Passive Aggressive Rap Battle

from Chosen People Adjacent by Scott Gesser

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lyrics

Whup-cha
Ha, I heard you been going all over town
Talkin’ shit about me, tryin’ to put me down
Now you know I ain’t about to let you run your mouth
I’m gonna get my revenge, we gonna hash this out
First, I’ll call you at all hours from a blocked phone line
And if you answer, I’ll hang that shit up each time
I’ll make vaguely insulting Facebook posts
And I’ll leave a bunch of snarky-ass Post-It notes
When I spit to you, you won’t understand it
All my compliments are gonna be backhanded
Like, “I love the way that you don’t
Care about your appearance
Ha, you’re really smart to buy your clothes on clearance”
Like the Godfather, I’m gonna send you a message
It’s a flaming bag of poop that I hope you’ll step in
And yeah, I had to pick the poop up to put it in there
But you just got punk’d, so who the fuck cares?

I’m gonna make you sorry that you ever came around
I’m gonna take your keys and push them off the table
So they fall down to the ground
I’m on you like white on rice ‘til you take your final breath
It’s a passive aggressive rap battle
Rap battle to the death

Ha, I want to take down every one of your crew
But they’re big and scary, so I’m’a stick with you
Every time you look away, I’m gonna flip you the bird
I’ll change your name in my phone to a curse word
I’ll make a drawing of you with an ugly rash
Then I’ll crumple it up and throw it right in the trash
But when you step to me, don’t you think for a second
That I’m not gonna pray that you get an infection, look out
I’m creepin’ on you when I’m in my ride
And I’m pretending not to see you when I’m passing by
Gonna turn your AC down three degrees
Now you’re stuck dealing with an annoying breeze
And I know that you’re gonna be pissed all day
When I turn your toilet paper roll the other way
Yo, I told you, bitch, that’s what you get for messin’
Hopefully you’ll notice that I taught you a lesson

You’re gonna end up wishing
That you never knew my name
I’ll leave an anonymous letter on your windshield
‘Cause this shit ain’t a game
I’ll eat your chicken soup ‘til there isn’t any left
It’s a passive aggressive rap battle
Rap battle to the death

When you least expect it
I’m going to walk right up to you
And when you ask me how it’s going
I’ll say I’m doing fine
And then instead of asking how you are
I’ll turn and walk away
And when you realize just how bad I burned you
It’s going to blow your mind
It’s going to blow your mind

You wanna front with me? I’d like to see you try
I’ll tell our mutual friends that you’re a stupid guy
And then they’ll probably want to ask me way
“Because you just are” is gonna be my reply, ha
Why don’t you talk shit right to my face?
I would respond, but I don’t feel like it’s my place
If you wanna debate, I’m gonna be real subtle
‘Cause I’ll mumble under my breath for my rebuttal
Or instead I’m gonna pout whenever I’m near you
If you talk to me, I’ll act like I didn’t hear you
I hope you know just who you’re fucking around with
I’ll make friends with your parents
And I’ll jack your accountant
And last but not least, you’ve unleashed the beast
I’ll unplug your iron so your slacks get creased
That’s what I call getting served, motherfucker
Shouldn’t ‘a gotten on my last nerve, motherfucker

There’s nowhere left to hide, can’t mess with my resolve
I’ll fuck up your whole life
But not so much that you’ll know I was involved
I’ll sit back and imagine that you got hooked on meth
It’s a passive aggressive rap battle
Rap battle to the death
Whup-cha

credits

from Chosen People Adjacent, released August 2, 2019

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Scott Gesser Phoenix, Arizona

I'm the guy who records all of this.

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