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That Happened

from Chosen People Adjacent by Scott Gesser

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lyrics

You were at the club last Friday night
And the bouncer wouldn’t let you inside
He said that you weren’t on the list
And he even threatened you with his fists
So you made a big speech on how you wouldn’t conform
And how not everyone fits into social norms
Then the bouncer was crying, the clubgoers too
As he opened the rope, everyone clapped for you
If that were true, I’d be really impressed
But your whole anecdote is complete B.S.

I can’t tell if you’re lonely or if you’re just sad
Seeking validation from strangers
That you never got from your dad
When you pull up your phone and start tapping those keys
That’s the greatest your life is ever going to be
As you delude yourself to believe that that happened

You were out walking with someone
When a guy accosted you with a gun
He said, “Give me your money now or I’ll shoot”
And you turned around to hand over the loot
But when he saw your face he broke down into tears
‘Cause you were the hottest person he’d seen in years
And he went to the precinct and turned himself in
And the people nearby started clapping again
How in the hell would I think you’re legit
When it’s obvious you’re homely as shit?

I don’t care if you make up details or name names
I’m not just taking your word
That you got retweeted by LeBron James
When you say that you’ve taught baby birds how to fly
Or insist your great uncle’s the Dos Equis guy
You’re the only one buying into how that happened

You claim you turned down Harvard for USC
But Harvard still gave you a PhD
You keep bragging about your supposed black friend
And how he called you an honorary one of them
UNICEF didn’t come right to you for help
Your crotch didn’t get five stars on Yelp
Pauly Shore didn’t fly you to Malibu
And no one would care even if that were true

Everyone rolls their eyes whenever you narrate
‘Cause all the stories you weave
Make the screenplay for Gigli look great
When you’re making up garbage about your success
I can’t honestly tell who you’re trying to impress
Because nobody trusts anything that you say
Every moment with you feels like opposite day
Maybe you’re ignorant of your own mental health
In fact, maybe you fall asleep touching yourself
As you dream of an alternate world where that happened
Then everyone clapped

credits

from Chosen People Adjacent, released August 2, 2019

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Scott Gesser Phoenix, Arizona

I'm the guy who records all of this.

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