The W. T. Pooh Files

from Admiral Vanilla by Scott Gesser

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lyrics

Winnie the Pooh's a stuffed bear with dreadful eating habits
He'll scarf down all his honey
Then he'll scarf down more at Rabbit's
He's starting to burst at the seams as he does a little dance
I guess he eats to compensate for never wearing pants
Piglet's got delusions that leave him with a nervous tic
His many frightening visions have left him schizophrenic
He's developed a stuh-stuh-stutter
And he's even scared of snoring
I'm surprised that any ghosts would haunt someone so boring
Rabbit's got some issues; he's an angry little fellow
He's complained to the point
That his fur's turned greenish-yellow
He'll start yelling at his friends at the slightest mishap
And I think that he's pissed
Because his carrots taste like crap

Things aren't looking good in the Hundred Acre Wood
These characters will never change
I don't think that they could

Tigger's always moving and he lives like a stampede
He's bouncin' around day in and day out
He's probably on speed
He gets overexcited and he needs self-discipline
The only resolution is to put him on Ritalin
Gopher ain't no picnic either; I'm quite sure of that
He digs around incessantly and rarely stops to chat
His workaholic tendencies he never will relent
The only other problem is his speech impediment
There's some major depression
That Eeyore has been packing
He repeatedly builds a house; it always ends up lacking
He often sighs and sits alone in bug-infested grass
I suppose I'd be unhappy too with a pin stuck in my ass

Kanga and her offspring, Roo, have got it pretty bad
They never really go into what happened to Roo's dad
The family's dysfunctional, and that's just mildly thinking
'Cause I've also heard that Kanga's
Getting into heavy drinking
Owl's the only one of them who's literally flighty
Just 'cause he lives in a tree, he acts all high and mighty
He won't even show up for the average episode
And who knows?
Maybe one day he'll eat some rice and explode
Christopher Robin should be placed in a mental hospital
He thinks he's got the makings of a young Dr. Doolittle
He roams around the forest crying out like a big baby
But one day he'll be coming home to find out he's got rabies
One more time

Their living off-key might not satisfy you and me
But I guess at least they're living somewhat in reality

credits

from Admiral Vanilla, released November 5, 2013

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Scott Gesser Phoenix, Arizona

I'm the guy who records all of this.

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