I've been living in this house for a very long time
There's stuff wall to wall and it's all mine
Figure it's been long enough that I've procrastinated
Getting rid of all of the crap that I've accumulated
So I took an advertisement out in the paper
Sold a couple blankets and a mini refrigerator
People were flocking me, basically jocking me
Buying up my old clocks, skis, tchotchkes
Except one box sitting near the curb
Folks took a look inside and then looked perturbed
I was trying to tell them that everything must go
But was ultimately met with a resounding no

I can't sell my sex toys at this yard sale
Can't sell the fuckin' at this fuckin' sale
No, I can't sell my sex toys

Everything else is flying off the shelves
But apparently my dildos won't sell themselves
People won't quit talking, they say it's shocking
But I have no use for this vibrating cock ring
And I don't need my nipple clamps anymore
Frankly I don't even know what I bought those for
I'm ready to surrender my French tickler
Or my Ben Wa balls; I'm not a stickler
But aside from that, I guess no one needs
Twenty-one different varieties of anal beads
And I can't promise that the butt plug won't chafe
But on the upside, it's dishwasher safe

I can't sell my sex toys at this yard sale
Nobody wants to buy your butt plug tail
No, I can't sell my sex toys

I'm out here pitching quality products
But no one wants to invest in them
You would think that it would be a great selling point
That I've personally tested them
I've been standing in the sun all goddamn day
And I'm starting to get pissed
I sold all six copies of Sister Act
But nobody will buy my torture rack

Would you like a demonstration of this Arab strap?
It affixes to your junk with one simple snap
If that's not your thing, over there in the corner
Got a RealDoll that looks like Natalie Dormer
Hocked every other item at this stupid sale
But the going's getting tougher than my cat o' nine tails
Not a solitary sex toy was even perused
Even though I put up a sign that said "gently used"
And the patience of my customers was wearing thin
I might as well have tried to sell this with my ball gag in
But now everybody's gone, they must have had their fill
I guess it's time to pack it up and send it off to Goodwill

'Cause I can't sell my sex toys at this yard sale
It's almost like you've been set up to fail
No, I can't sell my sex toys at this yard sale
Your neighbors want to see you get thrown in jail
I can't sell my sex toys at this yard sale
Why would they even make a five-headed dildo?
No, I can't sell my sex toys at this yard sale