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Your Changing Body

from Chosen People Adjacent by Scott Gesser

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lyrics

The world can be confusing and eternally strange
And nothing’s weirder than the way our bodies all change
But if you’re a female and you don’t have a clue
Who better than a male singer-songwriter to enlighten you?

It all starts when you turn about twelve or thirteen
And blood begins gushing out of your lady-peen
As your fallopian lining starts to wither and shed
It makes you act like a dick and turns your underwear red
Then your eggs get all antsy and symbolically shout
For however many days until you poop them all out
Then they replenish themselves in about half an hour
And so your womanhood is coming
And you probably need to go shower

Oh, your changing body is no reason to be scared
If you heed my legit explanation of it
Then you’ll be well-prepared

As time progresses through your period’s term
You’ll start to have an unrelenting craving for sperm
So you’ll find yourself a fella who’s chock full of it
And put some on your ovaries and rub the rest on your clit
That’s when a baby starts growing deep inside of your boobs
And your embryotic fluid will seep into your shoes
And like two years later you can crap the kid out
And he’ll be carrying your eggs
So you’ve got one less thing to worry about

Oh, your changing body, it happens to everyone
And as a guy who will never have to give any birth
I know just how it’s done

I’ve dedicated a whole semester
To learning all about this stuff
You know, there’s no need to thank me
Just shutting up and listening is more than enough
It’s beyond incredible to take in all these facts
Like the plural of “labia” is also “labia”
Just how crazy is that?

Eventually a bunch of little kids have transpired
And your vaginal period will start to get tired
Your cervix and your vulva will switch back and forth
And your nipples will get achy, always pointing due north
And finally on your birthday when you turn forty-nine
A Jackson Pollack painting will spray out of your ‘gine
The men living in your uterus will be brutally killed
And your ultimate destiny as a woman is completely fulfilled

Oh, your changing body, you’ve probably got it wrong
But even when your mons falls off
At least you’ll have this song
Oh, your changing body can cause so much ineptitude
But now you’re aware
Of exactly what you should prepare to expect
All thanks to a dude, you’re welcome from a dude
I mean me, I’m a dude
I know it’s awfully crude but there’s no need to be rude

credits

from Chosen People Adjacent, released August 2, 2019

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Scott Gesser Phoenix, Arizona

I'm the guy who records all of this.

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