You're My Best Friend | Scott Gesser

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You're My Best Friend

from Medium Pimpin' by Scott Gesser

	/

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lyrics

We go together like peanut butter and jam
I like how funny you are and you like how weird I am
Every time we're together we always have so much fun
Of all the best friends in the world, you're the very best one
I would never do anything to hurt you
And you would never hurt me
You're the person who I always trust
And nothing could ever change that for us

But if Olivia Wilde said she would sleep with me
I would set fire to your hair
And I'd choke you to death for just one night
With Hayden Panettiere
And if Emma Stone said that we could bone
If you got attacked by a bear
Then I'd take you to the zoo and I would shove you into
The bear pit then and there

You're practically a part of me
You're a mirror to my soul
Whenever we're separated I feel like half of a whole
You're the greatest confidant that a guy could ever ask for
And I love you with all my heart, but I love starfucking more
So please try to understand me
And please don't take offense
But I'd total your car for a little romancin'
With Heather Graham or Scarlett Johansson

Yeah, I'd kick you square in the testicles
To get with Zooey Deschanel
And I would murder your pets
If doing that would get me in with Alexis Bledel
And if Megan Fox would show me her box
If I threw you down a well
Then I'd throw you down a well so fast
And I'd see your ass in hell

Now, let me be clear about this
I'm not trying to be a jerk
I wouldn't mutilate your torso for Lucy Liu
On the off-chance it might work
But if Charlize Theron came walking by
And she said that she, Kate Upton and I
Should have a four-way with that chick from American Pie
But before we could do that, you would have to die
Even though we're practically brothers
I'd give it all up for Cobie Smulders
And I'd shoot your body full of holes
If it meant I could bang Beyoncé Knowles
So hopefully you can comprehend
That the only way we wouldn't be friends
Is an extenuating circumstance
Like getting into Kaley Cuoco's pants

So if Leighton Meester would offer her keester
I'd feed you to a cow
And you'd feel my rage for Ellen Page
Even though she's a lesbian now
I'd run you down with a ferry and still feel merry
For Halle Berry or Katy Perry
'Cause we're still the best pals there could ever be
As long as you don't do that shit to me
Yeah, get the fucking hell away from me

credits

from Medium Pimpin', released September 22, 2015

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Scott Gesser Phoenix, Arizona

I'm the guy who records all of this.

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