The country’s been divided for what seems like forever
There doesn’t seem to be a way in hell we’d band together
We once were altruistic, but now selfishness reigns king
There’s outrage sparked on either side over every little thing
And perhaps the prime example of our greed
Is good ol’ amendment number two for all the guns we need

We got folks stockpiling glocks like it’ll keep their family sane
We got dads dressed up in camo teaching four year olds to aim
We got AR-15s by the ton with same-day delivery
So people with delusions can prepare for World War III
And they love to use their weapons as a crutch
But in the grand ol’ scheme of things a gun can only do so much

‘Cause a gun won’t take away your micropenis
And a gun won’t help you satisfy your spouse
And a gun might prove quite useful if a burglar breaks in
But it won’t give you a halfway decent house
You can tout the Constitution
But it will not make you even somewhat fun
No, you can’t solve all your problems with a gun

We’ve got supposed activists who think they’re vigilantes
But there’s already cops for that, take off your Batman panties
A gun won’t bring your hair back and it won’t help fix your face
You won’t find self-esteem in any ammunition case
It don’t matter how many weapons you can choose
‘Cause brandishing a pistol won’t take away
The Blacks or Queers or Arabs, Mexicans or Jews

No, a gun won’t give you a standard grasp of English
And a gun won’t make you any good at math
And it won’t keep you from totaling your lifted truck again
And it won’t remind you to take a goddamn bath
You might love your AK like a son
But it won’t give you the love of your actual son
No, you can’t solve all your problems with a gun

A gun won’t pay for therapy
Or convince you not to be such a slob
You might thrive at target practice
But that doesn’t mean you’re thriving at your job
And your semi-automatic rifle’s slick pump action might just be
The highlight of your otherwise hollow-point life
But that don’t equate in the slightest to any pump action
That you would feasibly engage in with your shrew of a wife

You see, a gun won’t cure your syphilis and herpes
And a gun won’t cure your bad case of the runs
And a gun won’t keep your friends
From talking shit behind your back
Making jokes about you sucking off your guns
You might think that you’re invincible
But you’re really just a gun party of one
‘Cause you can’t solve all your problems with a gun
No, you just can’t solve all your problems with a gun