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Similes

from Orgy Of One by Scott Gesser

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lyrics

I love you like a singer loves a-singin'
Or a magician loves a trick
I love you like a dog loves everybody
Or a cat loves being a dick
I want you like a diabetic wants cake
Or Frankenstein wants a bride
I want you like a gay guy wants to win
A year supply of Astroglide
Darling, understand now that you're everything I need
Like a person who smokes weed
Needs to tell you how much they smoke weed
I need you like a sinner needs a saint
And I need you like Jared Fogle needed restraint

I need to have you near me
Like a hipster needs intolerance to gluten
I love you like the internet
Apparently loves to Photoshop Vladimir Putin
I want you like a pair of Mormon elders
Want to float up to the sky
I want you like the world wants Martin Shkreli
To hurry up and die
I need you in the same way
That a frat guy needs high fiving
Or like most people need to learn
To signal while they're driving
I love you like a red state loves Fox News
Or like Scientology adores Tom Cruise

And whenever you go away and leave me on my own
You know, I miss you like a French guy
Missed the chance to buy cologne
I miss you like the priesthood misses children to anoint
And I miss you just like radical feminism misses the point

I need you like an actor in Los Angeles
Needs tips while they're bartending
I need you just like How I Met Your Mother
Needed a different ending
I'm sure about our love like Catholics are so sure
They've been guilted the worst
Even though they stole it from the Jews
'Cause that was our thing first
I love you just like Charlie Sheen
Loves doing coke with floozies
Or just like M. Night Shyamalan
Loves making shitty movies
I need you like a kicker needs to punt
Or like Ann Coulter needs to not be such a not nice person

Yes, I want you like a preteen
Wants to pass her driver's test
And I want you just like Kanye West
Wants to make love to Kanye West
And I need you like a bowler needs a strike
And I guess that that's what loving you is like

credits

from Orgy Of One, released November 3, 2017

license

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Scott Gesser Phoenix, Arizona

I'm the guy who records all of this.

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