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Medium Pimpin'

by Scott Gesser

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I know we just started dating But I'm changing my last name to yours And I don't want you hangin' 'round other girls Because they're all fucking whores I've got a list of concrete things in my head That I'm'a need you to do To keep me from getting angry at you But why on earth would I consider revealing Anything that I'm feeling? You should be able to know what you're dealing with And every single goddamn day Women behaving this way And all that I have to say is bitches be cray I know we can't afford a baby But my biological clock is ticking If you agree to get me pregnant That's the only way I'm taking your dicking And by the way, I took a look at your phone While you were out of the room Who's this "mom" lady that you've been talking to? Hang on, I've got a call from my ex You know he usually texts This must be urgent, so let's take a rain check for sex And if I say they're looking okay they get all up in my face Asking how much I think that they weigh 'Cause bitches be cray / Bitches be c-c-c-cray Now, I'm not saying that It's every single woman who's irrational 'Cause that idea alone would be irrational too But there are women who are furious Because they think you're cheating And the truth is the entire time they're cheating on you They think the way that men behave In any dumb romantic comedy Is actually the way men should behave in real life And if you totally believe your girlfriend isn't out to get you And her jealousy and growing cat collection don't upset you And you'd take her to a jewelry store The moment that she'd let you Then I wish you lots of luck with your insane fucking wife I've got a list of names picked out For when we have a little bundle of joy I like the sound of Slobba-Bofa 'Cause it works if it's a girl or a boy And I'll assume you've done something wrong Because you bought me some flowers And I can interrogate you for hours I only want to be your very best friend So you should tell all your other friends That you're never going to see any of them ever again I hope that you're all taking away The point I've tried to convey If you go into the fray, you better damn well obey And in the meantime I'll pray that you will realize someday That bitches be cray Bitches be cray, cray, cray, cray, cray Bitches be c-c-c-cray But on the other hand they smell extremely nice Now please let go of my balls
You're always texting me But I can't understand a word you're saying In an emergency I still can't comprehend what you're relaying 'Cause you're trying to explain That I should meet you for dinner But it comes out ass-backwards and mostly misspelled And the message says that I should make you a doghouse And I'm left sitting there thinking, "What in the hell?" Your SMS messages are driving me crazy And it won't be too long 'til I officially flip Because you never correct them and you might just be lazy Or maybe everything you send is actually a Freudian slip Sure, they've invented Swype To make it easier to send a message I don't believe the hype 'Cause all of your haikus are just depressin' You're all, "Hey taco milk fart, Magneto in diapers" And then I'm supposed to get a meaning from that I've spent hours upon hours just trying to decipher The one where you told me you hooked up with your cat Your SMS messages are driving me crazy They're the modern-day version of bad penmanship What the fuck do you mean by "I've been eating a baby"? Perhaps that messed up thing you said Is actually a Freudian slip I wonder if you even know what you're doing When you try to send a message to me 'Cause typing "wood hooking" over and over Isn't something I'd anticipate From someone with a college degree And every time I see my notification light blinking I don't know what I should expect Whether you're cleaning your bowels Or just a series of vowels And you don't even have an iPhone So you can't blame it on auto-correct Aw, auto-correct, mother-ducking auto-correct I could fill up a book with all your malapropisms And I get that your phone is new and frightening to you But I feel like you might need a good exorcism When you say in all caps that you're beheading the Jews Your SMS messages are driving me crazy Your texting privileges need to be revoked You're ranting about eggplants, and then Patrick Swayze And I really would like some of whatever you've smoked Yeah, your SMS messages are driving me crazy And I'm wondering if you're waiting for the mothership You accidentally sent me a donation to Haiti Or maybe everything you send is actually a Freudian slip So many Freudian slips Maybe you should just talk with your lips Yeah, maybe everything you send is actually a Freudian
Dear Scott, 05:28
Dear Scott, I'm writing to you from the seventh grade For an assignment that our teacher made everyone do today I'm excited for the future, it's going to be great Dear Scott, I'm doing well in school but math is hard I'd rather go outside and play on the swings Or Magic The Gathering Do you ever get to play with your collection or cards? Dear Scott, you and I both know you just play by yourself That's why in eighth grade I threw out all those cards And math isn't hard Because I use a calculator just like everyone else You can be anything you want to be I'm an accountant You can see everything you want to see I once hit the mountains And by that I mean I did my laundry Golly gee, the future's looking bright for me Dear Scott, I've got the biggest crush on Lauren Brock She's got to be the cutest girl in school She's so pretty and cool Did you ever ask her out or walk her down to the dock? Dear Scott, no, I never went out with Lauren Brock I was too busy getting shoved in the halls Sometimes kicked in the balls And getting stuffed into my locker and then having it locked You can eat at the finest restaurants I just bought a Slurpee You can date any woman that you want My ex gave me herpes And then backed my Hyundai into a tree Golly gee, the future's looking bright for me In the future, are we still taking family pictures? No, dad went in for surgery and now he goes by "Cheryl" Did mom and dad ever give you a little baby sister? No, mom went off the deep end When she found out dad was sterile Do you still catch lightning bugs? No, but I'm mostly coping Do you still say no to drugs? I'm assuming you're joking I wish that I could be a grown-up 'Cause I'm sick and tired of waiting Well, the road to adulthood is paved with masturbating The future's going to be so fu…cking waste of time Dear Scott, I often dream of what the future is like Do they have apartments that reach up to the stars? Do they have flying cars? I can't wait to drive around instead of riding my bike Dear Scott, the future hasn't really changed a whole lot My car was repossessed for failure to pay And oh, by the way I sold that bike for thirty bucks so I could buy pot I bet you probably grew up to be tall No, but I have man-boobs And you get to drive yourself to the mall I'm browsing PornTube Or sometimes I'll watch The Mighty Ducks 3 Golly gee, you can do anything you want to do TV dinner for one And your weekends all belong to you Where'd I put that shotgun? How amazing my existence will be Golly gee, the future's looking bright for me, for me
I had a friend who was dating this girl And they got married and they had a big wedding And I was so excited to be the best man But I had no idea where the night would be heading The ceremony was beautiful But things took a turn when I got to the reception 'Cause I asked the bride if she wanted to dance And as I held her in my arms I got a massive erection It was an inappropriate boner It's always just popping up unannounced Big ol' inappropriate boner It happens every time I leave the house Well, the very next weekend my in-laws came over And I'm not one to judge but they're really religious And they wanted to check out the local synagogue So I took 'em to a temple that was mighty prestigious And as the rabbi was giving his sermon My mother in law screamed, "Oh my God!" And the entire congregation turned around to find My dick a-pointin' at the sky like a divining rod It was an inappropriate boner It's starting to ruin my life, doggone it Majorly inappropriate boner The rabbi suggested I put a yarmulke on it You know, about a month later my uncle died So I solemnly drove to the cemetery And all of his friends showed up dressed in black And we all gathered 'round to watch him get buried And as I looked at all the people who loved him Some were wiping their eyes Some were holding back tears And I wanted so badly to console everyone But apparently my penis had other ideas Another inappropriate boner I wish that I could make it go away Gigantic inappropriate boner I swear I didn't take a Viagra today, goddammit Inappropriate boner I wish I could deflate it but I don't know how But at least I get to hold a guitar by my waist 'Cause I've got an inappropriate Hugely inconsiderate, massively unfortunate I've got a boner right now
Rocks 05:04
Wake up in the morning, rub the sleep out of my eyes Put on the coffee and wait for it to perk Take a nice long shower and brush my pearly whites Smoke a little bit of crack, then it's time to go to work Drivin' down the highway, listening to the radio Traffic's backed up, hope I won't be too late Pull into the parking garage with minutes left to go Take another hit of crack, and I'm at my desk by eight And I read through all my emails And check up on my stocks It's a lovely day, and life is great In fact, it crack rocks Lunch time's coming and I don't know what to eat I don't have any appetite but I guess a meal couldn't hurt Walk down to the bakery 'cause I'm craving something sweet Two more hits of crack cocaine and a cupcake for dessert Got a big meeting, gotta get my Power Point together But first I'm gonna clean the baseboards And do a hundred jumping jacks Then I stare out the window At the gorgeous summer weather And it really makes me think, hey, I could use some crack My boss says that he's proud of me 'Cause I think outside the box It's a lovely day, and life is great In fact, it crack rocks I feel amazing like there's nothing that can hold me back Maybe it's the season or the song in my heart On second thought, it's probably the crack My coworker Maurice is thinking happy hour for us I say I can't make it but I thank him just the same I know he's just being nice to me so he can gain my trust Then the second I turn my back, he'll steal all my cocaine Driving back home now, stopping at the Radio Shack Pick up a new mouse pad and a pack of batteries too Then I slip into the alley so that I can buy more crack Then I gotta take off so I can catch the new episode of SVU And I forgot that I took my car there So I've gotta run a couple blocks But it's a lovely day, and life is great In fact, it crack rocks Finally get to my house, my front door is unlocked When I walk into my living room, I'm met with a surprise All my family and friends are there And they look pretty shocked My dad holds up a crack pipe and my mom just sort of cries Daddy says, "Hey son, what's the meaning of this? You got a house full of cocaine and expect us not to care?" I say, "Sorry everybody, I didn't mean to make you pissed" Mom says, "If we knew you were holding We would've asked you to share" And I'll tell you It just goes to show that nothing's as it seems Life is so much more than a series of crack pipe dreams And you might think I'm crazy Yeah, crazy like a fox It's a lovely day, and life is great In fact, it crack rocks
Going out, looking good, driving 'round in my hood Crank that bass, roll on dubs, jockin' girls at the club Gonna look all the ladies up and down Dancing to that DJ's sound Wishin' that tonight would never end But I gotta be in bed by ten 'Cause I gotta get up early for work And I need eight hours of sleep But the night is still so young And technically so is the week 'Cause it's Wednesday night And I'm spendin' cheese, but tomorrow I got responsibilities Yeah, it's Wednesday night And I gotta say, this is a pretty good substitute for Saturday Hangin' out, getting loose, no champagne, only juice Water too, must hydrate, plus I can't stay out late Wanna party until the break of dawn But I really ought to mow the lawn And I should prob'ly cut this short Gotta help my kid with his book report I suppose that I could treat myself To maybe like half of a beer By the way, I can't help but notice That there's hardly anybody here 'Cause it's Wednesday night And I'm spendin' cheese While everybody else is home with their families Yeah, it's Wednesday night And it can't be wrong Because for once the bathroom line isn't super long Tonight I'm getting crazy and tomorrow I'll run errands Like depositing my checks and maybe visiting my parents When it comes to being accountable I'm pretty much a legend The only type of E I might be taking is Excedrin But I ain't goin' hunting for no strange 'Less she gonna help me get an oil change And the only shots that I want to do Are the ones that make sure I don't get the flu I gotta make it to the HOA meeting tomorrow And I don't care how I want to drink until I'm comatose But that can wait until three days from now 'Cause it's Wednesday night And I'm spendin' cheese But not so much that I can't afford groceries Yeah, it's Wednesday night And I'm DTF "F" stands for finishing this season of Iron Chef 'Cause it's Wednesday night Yeah, it's Wednesday night, y'all It's Wednesday night, Wednesday night Aw, it's Wednesday night
Mother's Day 04:13
Mother's Day is coming soon and I know that you're appalled I bought you lots of presents and you said, "I wish you'd called" I figured over all the years your character would soften But the only thing you care about is why I don't visit more often You don't trust any of my friends or girlfriends, simply put But you're fine with telling strangers About the bunion on your foot You're my Jewish mom You're the ultimate annoyer You're my Jewish mom No, I don't want to be a lawyer And we go on so many guilt trips whenever I drive I hear you make that *gasp* sound Like you think we won't survive And I don't want to say you're cheap; I know you'll only scoff But when I was a boy you said the tooth fairy got laid off And if I don't pick up my phone, you'll call again and again And even if I'm just taking out the trash You wonder where I've been You're my Jewish mom And you're not like any other You're my Jewish mom I don't know when you'll be a grandmother If there's ever a nuclear holocaust The only things left will be cockroaches and you I'm sorry I used the word "holocaust" just now No, I don't know what I was thinking Please don't give me another lecture About my great uncle David Whenever I do anything, you say I'm doing it wrong You've even tried to give me tips on how to write this song You're always trying to feed me Pushing plate after plate after plate And when I'm done you'll tell me that It looks like I've gained weight But I know I owe the way I am to you, my family And one day I'll mess up my kids the way you've damaged me You're my Jewish mom Now my voice is kind of straining You're my Jewish mom It's not easy to sing over all your complaining My Jewish mom, and you'll always be that way You're my Jewish mom Have a happy, not too meshuggenah Mother's Day
Come on in and sit down on the living room sofa You gotta listen to the shit that I'm gonna go over Stop kicking your sister, quit shoving your brother It's time to talk about what's up between me and your mother You may have noticed that she doesn't come home at night And when she's actually here, the bitch and I just fight And now it's looking like our marriage has taken its course So we're doing a trial separation that could end in divorce Now this has nothing to do with how we feel about y'all But she be spendin' all my cheddar, always breakin' my balls She always stayin' out late, which is cause for alarm And she's had more cock in her than a fucking farm She's gonna try to tell you lies like she ain't ballin' other guys But don't be fallin' for her not-a-cum-slut disguise Now, I get partial custody of you two little freaks So I'm'a pick you up from soccer practice every third week There's so much drama in the world today It's so hard to elucidate all of this crap But rhythmic explanation takes the sting away So I'm delivering bad news through rap Yo, you've been with the company for so many years You moved your family across the country So that you could work here And as much as we appreciate the job that you do Unfortunately in a month we gonna downsize you See, them white collar ballas in the IT division Built a program that does everything you do in your position They got bored with that Visual Basic shit So they opened up MySQL and they made some shit But don't you worry if can't get a job right away 'Cause we be hookin' you up with that severance pay Motherfuckas gonna shit when they see your LinkedIn They be all, "Look at that cracka, he doin' medium pimpin'!" Now you can holla at your boy if you need a referral But we'll be slow to respond like a corporate turtle And if you really get desperate, well then I'll tell you what You can go get yourself outsourced to India Hey, what up shorty? It's your boy from the club I know that it's been a while since I gave you some love And I was flippin' through the contacts loaded up in my phone And I thought that I would just call you up to see if you're home And, hey, as long as I've got you on the line with me You should probably know that I've got an STD I think I got it from this ho' down on 3rd and Van Buren But I only just now noticed the blood in my urine When I saw them little bumps start to grow on my dick I took my ass to the clinic 'cause I knew I was sick And the doctor said he never seen this shit before He be like, "Your mothafuckin' sores got mothafuckin' sores” So I just figured I would call you up and let you know That you best get tested and…um…hello? I can't believe that bitch hung up on me Well, she'll figure that shit out eventually, uh Hey, yo, I'm tired of singing this song
Plot Holes 04:59
The robots in Transformers are fighting in the street And the asphalt cracks And sidewalks bend and break beneath their feet But when they're battling on the rooftops of the city skyline The structural integrity of the buildings is totally fine What the fuck is that about? The prince in Cinderella wants to try to set things right To match a slipper with the girl he hooked up with last night It may have fit her perfectly to show that she's the one But it flew off in the first place when she broke into a run What the fuck is that about? It's about plot holes, things that don't make sense 'Cause the folks who write the stuff we watch Must think we're fucking dense It's all about plot holes, they're totally contrived You know, "suspension of disbelief" Shouldn't be a fucking way of life Old Charles Foster Kane was laying dying in his bed The ominous word "Rosebud" Was the last thing that he said But how could the reporters Try to figure out what they'd heard When no one else was in there When he said the Goddamn word? What the fuck is that about? It's about plot holes in those movie scenes The smallest thing can blow An entire premise into smithereens Ridiculous plot holes keeping me up at night If face-kicking is forbidden How did the karate kid win that fight? If E.T. can fly, and his ship is ten feet away Why wouldn't he get up off his ass and then fly to it? How did Andy Dufresne get the poster over the hole He dug in the wall when he already crawled inside of it? And why doesn't Bruce Willis seem to care That the only person talking to him is a weird looking kid? And how does Kristen Stewart keep finding work? That one's not a plot hole, I'm just genuinely curious When Juliet finds Romeo, her cockblock father says That she could be with him if she forsook the Capulets But God forbid she runs away and makes her family mad 'Cause suicide's a fucking great alternative to that What the Christ-sucking-shit is that about? It's about plot holes conjured up by chumps Like why has no one at the bus stop Ever heard of Forrest Gump? These ludicrous plot holes have made me so forlorn That's why I usually just stick to watching Asian porn To get away from those plot holes Ludicrous plot holes I'm sick and tired of plot holes
We go together like peanut butter and jam I like how funny you are and you like how weird I am Every time we're together we always have so much fun Of all the best friends in the world, you're the very best one I would never do anything to hurt you And you would never hurt me You're the person who I always trust And nothing could ever change that for us But if Olivia Wilde said she would sleep with me I would set fire to your hair And I'd choke you to death for just one night With Hayden Panettiere And if Emma Stone said that we could bone If you got attacked by a bear Then I'd take you to the zoo and I would shove you into The bear pit then and there You're practically a part of me You're a mirror to my soul Whenever we're separated I feel like half of a whole You're the greatest confidant that a guy could ever ask for And I love you with all my heart, but I love starfucking more So please try to understand me And please don't take offense But I'd total your car for a little romancin' With Heather Graham or Scarlett Johansson Yeah, I'd kick you square in the testicles To get with Zooey Deschanel And I would murder your pets If doing that would get me in with Alexis Bledel And if Megan Fox would show me her box If I threw you down a well Then I'd throw you down a well so fast And I'd see your ass in hell Now, let me be clear about this I'm not trying to be a jerk I wouldn't mutilate your torso for Lucy Liu On the off-chance it might work But if Charlize Theron came walking by And she said that she, Kate Upton and I Should have a four-way with that chick from American Pie But before we could do that, you would have to die Even though we're practically brothers I'd give it all up for Cobie Smulders And I'd shoot your body full of holes If it meant I could bang Beyoncé Knowles So hopefully you can comprehend That the only way we wouldn't be friends Is an extenuating circumstance Like getting into Kaley Cuoco's pants So if Leighton Meester would offer her keester I'd feed you to a cow And you'd feel my rage for Ellen Page Even though she's a lesbian now I'd run you down with a ferry and still feel merry For Halle Berry or Katy Perry 'Cause we're still the best pals there could ever be As long as you don't do that shit to me Yeah, get the fucking hell away from me
Going to a party, going there alone now Been there for a minute, time to get my phone out I don't feel like talking, I don't want to hug you Don't want stupid questions about what I've been up to Then all of a sudden from over my shoulder Someone starts to yell the word "shot" over and over I guess it couldn't hurt to have some liquid courage From that point on, it's like someone flipped a switch When I get drunk, I'm the life of the party Everybody loves me at the party I'm antisocial until I hang out with Baccardi 'Cause when I get drunk, I'm the life of the party When I'm near a girl, get an obvious erection All I have to talk about is my bug collection But fill me up with Jack and I'll stop being sheepish Later I'll be doing shots out of her cleavage Beer pong in the backyard, I'm so bad at those games Half a cup of Everclear, just call me LeBron James Taking all my clothes off 'cause I'm going streaking Everybody's watching, god it's good to be king When I get drunk, I'm the life of the party I'm the Grand Poo-bah of the party Running 'round and drawing on Sleeping people with a Sharpie Yes, when I get drunk, I'm the life of the party Making out with three girls in the closet And I haven't got a clue who they are Found a guitar on the back porch Now I'm playing "Wonderwall" for everyone And the entire party is cheering Even though I can't play fucking guitar Wake up in the morning, having trouble pissing Got a splitting headache and my wallet's missing Dried, encrusted vomit sticking onto my face Also it appears that I'm handcuffed to the staircase Got a bunch of tickets, also a citation Parking in the pool must be a violation Teeth have all been knocked out, ears are full of bird shit But I have to say it was totally worth it 'Cause when I got drunk, I was the life of the party I was more or less like Jesus at the party Even though I feel like I've been run over by an RV When I got drunk, I dominated that party Jeez, that's so loud Could you turn it down? Ah, much better
Taylor Swift 03:57
I've spent the better part of my adult life writing stupid songs Sometimes they're funny But they're mostly just questionable and wrong I write about a lot of people who I know for comedy But one thing I lament is no one's ever written about me However, there's one option I can think of Where I'd maybe have the chance To be the subject of a song about regret or dalliance There's only one sure way to get the tides around me to shift I have to date Taylor Swift I've got to date Taylor Swift I'll treat her really well And she won't even realize there's a catch I'll start ignoring her the moment she begins to get attached She'll be all furious and get that doe-eyed look upon her face Before you know it she'll be Writing down my name in her blank space I'll feel so lucky when she cuts me down and effortlessly rhymes Or when she uses the word "never" like a hundred million times I'd be ecstatic when she capitalizes on our rift That's why I have to date Taylor Swift I've got to date Taylor Swift I don't have anything against the girl, in fact, I'd be proud To be lambasted along with the other dudes that she's plowed I can't convey the joy a catchy tune about me would bring I'd try it with Jennifer Aniston, but she doesn't sing I'm not a player, not a hater, just a guy with a hope That she'll be slanderous against me as a method to cope And when I finally hear that song, I'll be the belle of the ball Along with Taylor Lautner, Harry Styles and Joe Jonas And John Mayer and Jake Gyllenhaal, Jake Gyllenhaal I guess she might be nice to date 'Cause she's legitimately cute But since I'll only piss her off It seems the point is kind of moot Some folks will prob'ly hate my guts And when they see me, they'll just scoff I might feel bad at first but then I'll do my best to shake it off To this sick boat? She'll say that she knew I was trouble From the moment I walked in She'll get a Grammy, I'll get famous, and so everybody wins I could go on and on but by now I'm sure you get the drift Aw, yes, I have to date Taylor Swift I've got to date Taylor Swift Please date me, Taylor Swift I have got to date Taylor Swift It's a hate story, baby, just say yes
Baby, you're such a sweet fine thing And there's nothing I want more than to treat you right So why don't you take the bus on over to my place And when I get you alone, we'll be makin' love all night Baby, I know that you've got big dreams Like makin' lots of money and getting notoriety too And I'm the man who's gonna make those dreams come true But if you want that kind of future There's only one thing you can do Get on my black leather couch and take off your blouse 'Cause a fluorescent-lit conference room Is way more sexy than a house Hop on that black leather couch and drop your jeans to the floor And whatever you do Don't think about how many people have fucked here before Aw, baby, I'm ready for you right now And I've got these video cameras set up every which where 'Cause there's nothing more important In achieving your life goals Than a money shot of my semen as it lands in your hair Right on my black leather couch, from the moment I spied you I didn't care what's on your surface I want the whore that's inside you On my black leather couch, now girl, you're gonna be famous Provided you can fit this baseball bat in your anus There's nothing in the world that's going to help your ambition Like getting plowed for money under the guise of an audition And as soon as this goes viral Fame and fortune will be coming your way Just don't ask me for a 401K Baby, I need you to concentrate You see, licking my taint Is what's going to get you your big break And then I'll call in my slutty friend Marie And don't worry when she squirts on you Because the leather's mostly fake Here on my black leather couch Please look deep in my eyes If the angle doesn't work it might take a couple dozen tries And I hope that you're proud of this prospect to screw 'Cause I would literally bang anyone But I'm here banging you Upon that black leather couch I'm gonna drown you in lube Then I'll hand you fifty bucks And post this thing up on PornTube On my black leather couch we're having hot, nasty sex Now on your way out, please send in whoever's next On my black leather couch
Hangry 03:47
I've never been so miserable in all my life I'm going to snap any minute now I've been tortured and pushed to a breaking point Far worse than anyone in their right mind should allow You see, I haven't eaten since this morning And I need some fucking food Maybe an hour ago it wasn't such a problem yet But I have found as time has passed That some kind of morsel or a snack is what I need And if I don't get to eat soon It's going to be somebody's ass I'm going to act like an asshole all goddamn day I'm going to bitch and complain 'til I get my way And there ain't no man alive who can pacify me 'Cause this is what happens when I get hangry, yeah Since no one seems to care about my hunger pangs And no one feels like we have to rush I guess no one will mind if I start crying like a colicky infant And calling people names That would make Samuel L. Jackson blush I'm going to stick out my tongue and make raspberries And I'll scream until I burst some capillaries So unless someone takes the time to feed me It'll only get worse as I grow more hangry, yeah It's amazing the things you can get away with As a fully-functioning adult As long as you explain that all you've eaten today Are some crackers and a packet of salt You can treat people like shit And they won't blame you one bit Because they probably were once in your shoes And they were willing to murder Someone for just a frankfurter 'Cause when you say hello to hanger You also say goodbye to your fuse So now somebody better get me to a snack bar Or I'll run some motherfuckers down with my car And there's not a single jury that would convict me 'Cause all I'd have to say is that I got hangry People walking on eggshells whenever I'm with 'em I just wish that those shells had some fucking eggs in 'em And when I finally get a decent meal inside me Then we'll reset the clock until I get hangry again It's only a matter of time before I'm hangry again
If you spend your every weekend Wearing just a hooded sheet Then please fuck off and die If you say you're vegetarian except when you eat meat Then please fuck off and die If you try to name your children after inanimate objects If you think that pulling out's the only way to have safe sex If you've ever made a Facebook page For someone else's pets Then please fuck off and die Fuck off and die If the color of somebody's phone is meaningful to you Then please fuck off and die If you ever moved to Kansas and nobody forced you to Then please fuck off and die If trying to work a light switch leaves you feeling all perplexed If your only friends are characters you made in Everquest If we're riding in the same car and you're sending me a text Then please fuck off and die Fuck off and die, just say your goodbye And go back to your seventeenth year of junior high Just die, I don't want to lie It'd make us so much happier if you would fuck off and die If your first name is Richard and your last name is Santorum If your DVR is nothing but When Animals Attack If everything you've ever read Begins, "Dear Penthouse Forum" If you have anything nice to say regarding Nickelback If you like to diddle little boys who show up at your parish Then please fuck off and die If you spend each day on a crusade To try and ban gay marriage Then please won't you fuck right off and die If you're in a public bathroom and you're talking while you pee If we're in a public bathroom and you interact with me If the most you've gotten out of life is Hepatitis C Then please fuck off and die Fuck off and die, thanks for stopping by Stop getting all your stupid in our water supply Just die, I can't help but cry I don't want to be unreasonable but if it would be feasible I know that we'd be pleased with you If you'd get a disease or two And fall into a coffin And then we should ship you off to Versailles So please Pretty, pretty please fuck off and die
I'm tired of checking out Match.com 'Cause it's too expensive to look And I'm not unique enough for Geek 2 Geek Hell, I don't even own a single book I'm not a Christian single And I'm not Jewish enough for J-date And I don't want to kiss the people on Craigslist 'Cause I can't tell if they're real or fake E-Harmony is stupid and so is OK Cupid I don't really want a relationship I just want to hook up when I feel like it So I got myself a Tinder account And said farewell to romance And now wherever I go, right away I know If someone wants to get into my pants Now, whenever I turn that app on It fulfills my every wish In a couple of minutes I can get all up in it Try getting that done on Plenty Of Fish I don't need to be Prince Charming No, I only need to be nearby And if someone says that I'm a match I can spend that night between her thighs You might call me a slut, and to that I say "So what?" If some random lady wants to sit on me Who gives a damn about compatibility? Yes, I love this lovely Tinder account And I feel like I'm always in luck 'Cause I don't have the patience for a conversation To find out if a girl is down to fuck And I'm always getting updates and reminders And I light up when I hear that notification ring Ding-a-ling Just make sure you don't accidentally use Grindr Unless, you know, you're into that kind of thing Oh, I'm obsessed with my new Tinder account I'm amazed at what it can do So next time I'm in your neck of the woods I might stick my dick in you, oh yeah I might stick my dick in you, yee-haw If Tinder says you want me to Well, I might just stick my dick into you, yeah


released September 22, 2015


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Scott Gesser Phoenix, Arizona

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